time for a change

When I think back to my younger self, specifically between 21 and 22, I realize something. I was more organized and had everything running like a well-timed train.

I feel I was so much more put together when I was a newbie mom than I am being a 10-year veteran in the field of motherhood. I had everything on my sticky pad checked off and the only things I had to write down were the things I had to get done. And they always got done. I had time to read books. I had time to write. I didn't feel overwhelmed with life.

I'm not exactly sure what's happened, but over the last few years, I've stopped being that person. It really bothers me at times because she had all her sh*t together and I feel like I drop the ball a lot. I feel things are sometimes out of control for me. I seem to never have enough time for anything.

I don't know what it is and frankly, I'm pretty of sick of it. It's like the confidence I had in myself back then disappeared or took a really long hiatus. Another thing that probably hasn't helped is the fact that I don't have anybody to really talk to. The one person that was my sounding board on everything isn't around anymore. My closest friends all have their own things going on and are too far away. One of them can't bother to call a person back after you called to congratulate them on their new baby. Two months ago (I'm not bitching. It's the plain truth. I might be worried that they'd read this, but I know they won't).

I guess it's me. I've always known I'm a hard person to get to know or understand, but I didn't realize I was that bad. But I digress.

But now it's time for that crap to end. I'm tired of feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. I'm sick to death of how sucky my life's been and the fact that I even let it get that bad. I'm not proud of it and I'm done with feeling like . .  . well, crap. So, I'm done with that feeling.

I refuse to let it pop back up and it's not welcome ever again.