First dances and other preteen things like growing up.....

She's officially a 7th grader now and today she's the big 12. It's another one of those friendly reminders that makes me realize she's growing up faster than I'd really like.

The year of 11 was a year of firsts, for both of us. She started middle school and had her first school dance ever. She's more into hair than she ever was and more into clothes (she's starting to "borrow" mine). She found a love of a sport (volleyball) and a love of music (she loves playing the flute). This past year was my first time not getting hugs during school drop-off. If I was lucky, I'd get a kiss on the cheek, but it was more of a tip of the ear kind of good-bye. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I had the joy of school dance pick-up that included a very sweaty preteen who almost lost her voice. I found that she and her friends apparently think we all came out of the womb as adults and did nothing but be grown-ups. And I completely get that one, I remember thinking the same thing. But I feel like she's too young to pretend I'm not her mother.

This is my future. I can feel it in my bones.

One day she'll look at me like I'm Regina George's mom. And I will embrace it and embarrass her. I'm looking forward to it.

But I digress. This post is in honor of the kiddo that came out crying and full of spite fire.

She's one of kind, that for sure. She's got a mind of her own (and we all know she's been like that since birth) and is more opinionated than I ever figured she would be. She's got the sarcasm, the attitude and quick wit I consider smart aleck-ness. She's a reader and writer and her imagination is crazy (but in the best way possible). She's focused student who worries about doing well in school. How else would she get into Oxford? And I'm not one of those crazy mom's who puts an absurd amount of pressure on their kid to make sure she's the best. If anything, I usually have to tell her to relax because she's put too much pressure on herself. The idea to go to Oxford is all hers.

She's worrier and sometimes a bit of politician. She always wants everyone to be happy and (even if she doesn't realize it) when she thinks the people she cares about aren't anything but happy, she'll try her darnedest to get them there.

She's my kiddo and very much a mini me and I would not change her for the world. She's one of kind and I'm so glad she's in my life because she's made it so much better.

Now enough mushiness. I can remember when she fit comfortably in my arms:

Now I've only got a few more years before she's taller than me. Seriously, this photo is not lying. She's four inches shorter than me . . . 

But, bub, I love you and have a great 12th birthday!!!!!!!

why I'll miss school

Finals are over for me and I'll be graduating next week. Next Monday to be exact. After almost 2 years working my butt off to finish my degree, it's kind of over and it's pretty bittersweet. I'm ready to graduate, but I've met some pretty awesome people that I'm going to miss . . .

We're the first Digital Photo students to graduate (well, technically, Tara was the first, but they lump the Winter and Spring graduations together)  at my school and since there wasn't a huge selection of classes to take each quarter, we were kind of stuck with each other. But stuck in the best kind of way possible.

I've had a lot of different families over the years. Each base I've been stationed at has a different one and I remember each one. These people have become my school family. My family away from home. We've been through night classes we've been thisclose to falling asleep in. A lot of "um's" and "so's" and getting out of class at 10:30 instead of 10.

They've made the last couple of years fun and I'm going to miss them as much as I've missed any of my other families.

I'm going to miss seeing their faces every quarter. :(

Who needs a new job?

This girl.

Spending all day at training for something that really doesn't apply to my actual job is kind of pointless and waste of my time.

Especially when they spend the day talking about how they're going to make women better by completely changing the way they look (just one more reason of why I shouldn't be working in any beauty career field). 

Or when they go through an hour dissecting what's wrong with different celebrity's eyebrows. Because their opinion totally matters.

Not to mention being surrounded by girls who seem to think adulthood is exactly like high school. I'm way too old for that kind of drama. And all that drama made me think of one of my managers and how personal she thinks everything else (to the point where she gets an attitude because you want to spend a Saturday with your own kid. I know, I can totally see how unreasonable I was being).

This is what made me realize I really need to find a new a job. I do NOT want to be still working at this place 5 years from now, much less 4 months. 

*Sigh* I just want a job that's somewhat important, not one that pretends it is. I want a job I actually like, even just a little. Not one that feels so bothersome and a waste of time. I want a job where training isn't a total chore that feels like a burden. 

I just need a job that is somewhat enjoyable. 

2 years

So two years. It's already been two years. Have I accepted that my mom's gone? Yes. Have I gotten used to it? Nope.

Truthfully, I know I never will because losing your mother, no matter what, is hard at any age. I'm not the first girl to lose their mother and I know I'm not the last, but its still my mom. 

It has gotten a little easier and I'm not as sad as I was at the beginning, but I still have days when all I want to do is hear her voice again, telling me everything's okay. 

And, well, I know that's not possible, but I do feel like she's watching over me and B to make sure we're okay. And not in that creepy "Ghost Adventures" kind of way because she knows that sh*t freaks me out :). 

Even though she's not here in physical form, I'll continue to try and live my life to the fullest and make her proud. 

That being said, I miss you every day, mommy. 

miss b and the boy(s)

*sniff* I start this post feeling a little sad. Not because I'm actually sad, but there's just one more realization that the kiddo's growing up faster than I'd like.

It's started. The whole process of her about to hit puberty has begun. The kiddo has liked boys in her class before. She even had her first (very chaste) kiss when she was five. Now she's officially crushing on a boy and its not just because she thinks he's cute. It's the kind of crush when you see how your name sounds with their last name. I would say I'm surprised, but 10 is around the time I hit my boy crazy stage.

So I'll call him The Boy. And the boy is a blond 11-year-old who swears (the word of choice is crap), wears jerseys and is in need of a haircut. I see him as a teenage bad boy. Her crush makes total sense because she is her mother's daughter. 

But. Of course there's a but. There's another boy. Let's call him The Other Boy. He's the nice friendly one with good manners that the kiddo is friends with (she and The Boy have a like/dislike kind of friendship). She insists she just likes him as a friend, but she forgets I've known her for over 11 years and there's not much she can hide from me (right now, at least). And I'm a girl and once upon a time I was a little girl with a crush on boys in my grade. I know the signs. 

Now, as her mom and as a former kid, I feel the need to point out 

I'd prefer for her to crush on The Other Boy because:

a) he doesn't seem threatened by her smarts like The Boy does

b) he seems to have as much motivation and determination to succeed in everything he does

c) he reads as much as she does - they're even in the same advanced reading group

d) he has more in common with the the kiddo than The Boy

e) he's an all around nice kid

When I tell her this, I get dirty looks and the rolling of eyes because, well, what do I know about the opposite sex? According to her I never dated until I met her dad and apparently have not dated since (in her mind that's my life story).

Of course, I'm hinting at The Other Boy for when she's allowed to date at 25. 

much needed break

That's what I'm taking from Facebook, twitter, and Tumblr. A break from these social medias is what I really need right now.

There's two reasons:

1) I'm all for freedom of speech, but some people need to learn when silence is golden. I don't always agree with everyone's opinion  but I respect their right to say it, but when there's rudeness involved when I have a opinion, I really have to draw the line and step back.  My mom always told me I was extremely opinionated and vocal. And I don't want to say something that I'll regret, so taking a break from all the ignorance I've been seeing is the best idea for everyone. I like my friends and I'd like to keep them, so this temporary parting of ways is great for everyone: I don't shoot my mouth off and they don't get offended. See? Happy resolution for everybody.

2) the second and most important reason for this break? I don't seem to get much done because those social media's are far too distracting for me and that is just not working anymore. I want and need to get things done that actually matter and Facebook shouldn't be on my priority list. So I'm taking it off my list. School, photography, writing and reading are on the top of that list (not including the kiddo, of course). I need to clear my head and worry about me for a little bit.

After my break, I might check them out every couple of days, but that's it. I'm still going to blog, but that's the extent of my upcoming social media. So my blogs will still pop up on Facebook, just not me :)

If you need to get a hold of me, you can text me.

some days I'm okay

Some days I really am okay. Everything's good, I'm happy and the world seems on an even keel. Everything in life is going really well.

And then there are the bad moments. Those are the times that suck. Those are the ones I dread. They start off woth perfectly normal, "okay" days. Then something happens, a song on a radio, a book I see, or a a TV show scene and its July of 2011 all over again. I feel helpless, alone and inconsolable. All I want to do is find a dark room to curl up in and cry. It always happens at the most inconvenient moments, too.

I kind of hate those moments. Not because they sometimes happen at the most inopportune moments that make me feel like Brendan Fraser's sensitive guy in Bedazzled.

It's because I feel okay most of the time and suddenly I'm not. Suddenly I'm a little girl who just wants her mommy to make everything okay again. All I want is to pick up the phone and tell her how crappy I'm feeling at that moment because she was the person I'd call when I had a bad or good moment. But I can't anymore and that makes it worse.

I'll get sad and wonder why some girls get to keep their moms for longer than 30 thirty, whether they like them or not. I'll wonder where the fairness is in that - Why did she have to get sick? Why couldn't she be cured? Why is she the one missing out on her grand kid's biggest moments, biggest achievements? Why did she have to leave me?

Then there's the guilt. The guilt is sometimes worse than the sadness. The guilt that I couldn't do more for her, that I couldn't save her, that I'm still here and she's not. And with the guilt and sadness come a few tears that I feel makes me look like an unhinged mess.

But then there's a little voice in the back of my head and it's usually my mom's (not in some creepy Norman Bates kind of way, it's more a friendly reminder of what my mom always said during her last year) She didn't want me to stop living just because she wasn't around. She wouldn't want me wallowing in self pity. A couple of minutes here and there, but not lying and bed refusing to get out. That's what she always said. That and if I became like one of those hoarders on TV that refused to get rid of any of her stuff, she'd haunt me until I got my act together.

That's usually around the time I realize I was kind lucky to have had her in my life for as long as I did, that I had her for a mom. Some people lose their mom's before they're old enough to walk. B and I were both lucky enough to have had her to spend time with. It's kind of my "ah" moment.

So, yeah.

Some days I'm okay.