How Life Changes . . .

I haven't written in a very long time because truthfully, I didn't have the time or the desire to. It's the beginning of August, but this has been the craziest and worst summer of my life. My daughter turned 9, I ended my time in the military, and my mother passed away.

The latter has been the hardest on me and I'm still trying to deal with it. She'd been sick for a very long time, but she didn't seem that sick. Everything just happened rather quickly. I got to say my goodbyes, but I still feel guilty and I miss her so much. I feel guilty because I feel like I should have been able to do more and that I should have known that she was worse off than she let on. My mom would tell me I have nothing to feel guilty about and that she'd always be with me.

I also feel like this is something I won't ever get over because she was my best friend. She's the first person I would tell any kind of new news to, but everytime I pick up the phone to call I'm hit with the reality of the situation: that she's not here anymore.

Even as I type this, tears are in my eyes and I know that there won't be a time that I won't cry when thinking about my mom. At least not anytime in the near future. You see, she was best mom a girl could ask for and looking back, I feel she deserved a better daughter than me. She wouldn't agree and threaten to haunt me forever for even thinking that. But, you can't always help the feelings you feel.

I can't even begin to express how much my mom meant to me. She taught me everything and made me the person I am today. I wouldn't be independent, strong or have even one ounce of bravery in me if not for her. She was the strongest woman I've ever known and there's no one on this earth that can ever replace her.

The whole situation was my reason for moving to California to be near B. And there's an Art Institute in San Francisco that I'll being going to so I can get my Associates of Science degree.

My daughter needs me just as much as I needed my mom and it wasn't a hard choice because there wasn't anything holding me back. There's one thing my mom instilled in me that I will never forget: family's the most important thing you can ever have and completely irreplaceable. It's because of her I know the value of being a great mom and life isn't always going to be perfect, but you can always make the best of it.

california was a good idea because . .

1. The weather is awesome and it's always sunny. Seriously. I've been here almost 3 weeks and it hasn't rained once.

2. The people are a lot nicer. Or maybe I'm friendlier because it was my choice to move here.

3. There actual things to do here without looking in the depths of the earth for them. San Francisco's only a 45 minute drive (on a good day) away and Santa Cruz is like right down the street. And plenty of art fairs.

4. The sun is doing wonders for my tan. Like I don't even have to sit in the sun trying to tan; I can be in my car just driving and I get darker.

5. My allergies don't exist here. Neither do B's. It will save a lot of money down the line. Another good thing.

6. I'll be getting my degree at the Art Institute of California in San Fransico. In baking and pastry- my dream degree I get to actually accomplish.

7. The farmer's markets are out of this world. And they're practically everywhere. Fresh, organic fruit and veggies and free samples everywhere you turn. Can you say yummy?

8. There are so many little towns and the main streets are so tiny and cute. You can just stroll through them and make a day of it.

9. It's not Dayton. 'nuff said.

10. The most important reason is I get see a lot more of this than I was going to before: