some days I'm okay

Some days I really am okay. Everything's good, I'm happy and the world seems on an even keel. Everything in life is going really well.

And then there are the bad moments. Those are the times that suck. Those are the ones I dread. They start off woth perfectly normal, "okay" days. Then something happens, a song on a radio, a book I see, or a a TV show scene and its July of 2011 all over again. I feel helpless, alone and inconsolable. All I want to do is find a dark room to curl up in and cry. It always happens at the most inconvenient moments, too.

I kind of hate those moments. Not because they sometimes happen at the most inopportune moments that make me feel like Brendan Fraser's sensitive guy in Bedazzled.

It's because I feel okay most of the time and suddenly I'm not. Suddenly I'm a little girl who just wants her mommy to make everything okay again. All I want is to pick up the phone and tell her how crappy I'm feeling at that moment because she was the person I'd call when I had a bad or good moment. But I can't anymore and that makes it worse.

I'll get sad and wonder why some girls get to keep their moms for longer than 30 thirty, whether they like them or not. I'll wonder where the fairness is in that - Why did she have to get sick? Why couldn't she be cured? Why is she the one missing out on her grand kid's biggest moments, biggest achievements? Why did she have to leave me?

Then there's the guilt. The guilt is sometimes worse than the sadness. The guilt that I couldn't do more for her, that I couldn't save her, that I'm still here and she's not. And with the guilt and sadness come a few tears that I feel makes me look like an unhinged mess.

But then there's a little voice in the back of my head and it's usually my mom's (not in some creepy Norman Bates kind of way, it's more a friendly reminder of what my mom always said during her last year) She didn't want me to stop living just because she wasn't around. She wouldn't want me wallowing in self pity. A couple of minutes here and there, but not lying and bed refusing to get out. That's what she always said. That and if I became like one of those hoarders on TV that refused to get rid of any of her stuff, she'd haunt me until I got my act together.

That's usually around the time I realize I was kind lucky to have had her in my life for as long as I did, that I had her for a mom. Some people lose their mom's before they're old enough to walk. B and I were both lucky enough to have had her to spend time with. It's kind of my "ah" moment.

So, yeah.

Some days I'm okay.

wow . . .

There are times when I'm really glad certain kids aren't mine. The 9-year-old girl who threw of full on tantrum with foot stomping and loud shrieking in the library because she wasn't allowed to request some book she wanted is one of the those kids. Apparently whenever this kid is told "no" the normal reaction is to throw a hissy-fit until mom and dad give in (which really wonders in their household because that kid totally got what she wanted and didn't even say thank you).

She should be very lucky I'm not her mother. There's no way my kid would have acted like that. This in not me tooting my perfection in motherhood, because B and I have our own issues. My kid wouldn't have acted like that because we would have left the library before she could even raise her voice to screeching level.

One of the few things I've learned as a mom? Giving the kids exactly what they want whenever they want will  lead to spoiled and ungrateful kids that will try to walk all over you. Besides, how are they ever going to learn the value of anything if they always get what they want.

stop being so judgy

Seriously, some people need to just stop. Just because my family isn't their version of conventional, there's no need for the stink eye, nose upturned kind of attitude.

I get it. The fact that I had my kid young and *gasp* out of wedlock, might sound disturbing. And, wait for it, I choose  to be a single unwed mother. Because, as we all know, single mothers are the reason there's sooooo many problems with the world. Yeah, that's it. Because my daughter could never lead a normal productive life both parents weren't in the picture.

Oh. Wait. We both are. We're just not together. Because we realized long before she was born that us together would make us both unhappy people. Which we knew would eventually lead to an unhappy, maladjusted kid. I know, what were we thinking, right? Making a ridiculously adult decision like that.

Why am I bitching about this? The other day, I was basically told in not so many (nice) words that I was in the wrong as a parent because a) I had my kid too young, b) I was going to hell because I had sex before marriage and c) I was screwing up my kid's life because we never got married and she has 2 different households. "It just isn't a healthy environment for her".

I took a calming breath (because I was pretty close to punching her out) before pointing out that a) yes, I was young, but 20 isn't that young. I also had a very well-paid full-time job and insurance that I didn't have to worry about, b) yes, I did, but it's the 21st century and not many people are celibate these days. Sex before marriage isn't some new trend I started all on my own. Yes, I happened to get pregnant, but sometimes shit happens. Having  my kid, whatever the situation isn't something I'll ever regret and there's no way she could ever make me feel ashamed. C) Yup, B has two different households. And she likes it that way. She has a bunch of people who love her more than anything and that will drop everything to be by her side. Having people care - yeah, that's real unhealthy for any kid. She's one of the most well-adjusted kids I've ever met and I'm comparing her to kids that have both parents married and living together (and I am not saying kids that come from that kind of household are messed up, because I'm not, so no one get their feathers all ruffled. I just mean B's just as well-adjusted) . One thing I can say two households has really helped her with is that she's rolls with the punches and change so easily. Sudden change in an environment isn't something she even blinks it. My kid is loved and that's a hell of a lot more important than whether or not her mother and father have a little piece of paper. Our family situation isn't perfect and doesn't work for everyone. We all work our butts off to make it work for everyone in our family and for B. And it works for us.

I very kindly thanked her for very unrealistic and very misguided opinion and walked away.

So what's the point of this long and vent-filled post? It's dedicated to the woman (who's name I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I never want to know) who's apparently stuck in the 19th century with her skewed views, who feels the need to point out if you're not living your life like hers, you're in the wrong. Your opinion doesn't mean jack squat to me. Lady, I'm allowed to live my life as I choose with no regrets and no need to justify it to you. Just like you're entitled to be an ignorant dumb-ass.

But I'm not judging you.

Constantine

Keanu Reeves. 'Nuff said.

Well, not all Keanu Reeves. I love this movie for a number of reasons. One is Keanu Reeves. He pulls off the brooding, I'm-going-to-hell-and-I-don't-give-a-sh*t title character well. Not because I think he's that type of guy, but because he seriously pulls it off well. Or maybe it's the lazy suit and tie deal that makes him look like he rolled out of bed and threw it on as an after thought.

Or possibly the whole heaven-and-hell-fighting-over-the-end-of-the-world. Because like Supernatural, that's the theme of the movie. Which always fascinates me to no end. Because people are interesting and slightly desperate creatures when faced with their own demise. Yeah, I know, I've got issues.

But seriously, I read the comics and I'm a bit of a fan, so it makes sense that'd I see the movie. And it didn't suck or completely ruin my faith in turning comics into movies like some. *ahem*, yup, looking at you FOX and all you're horribly crappy movies. Not naming any names or anything. X-Men: United, Wolverine, X-Men: First Class. I'm still trying to purge their version of Gambit. And Mystique. And the entire First Class that they totally messed up beyond repair. And everything they completely ruined about the X-Men that I loved. That destroyed my faith in comic movies until I saw Iron Man.

But I digress. Because Constantine was awesome in it's non-X-Men related-ness. And that is why it's on my favorite movie list.

my spring break

Spring break started. My whole week off of school to spend recovering from a very long quarter began today. I fully intend to keep busy.

Besides catching up on my shows (Boardwalk Empire, The Walking Dead, Supernatural, Deadwood, Big Love, Suits, Ghost Adventures, Sons of Anarchy, Mad Men, etc), working on the outline for my next book, catching up on blog posts and other internet related things, I also need to make a dent in my to be read pile. Because it's huge. I'm talking shelves upon shelves because I had a habit of buying books, but never enough time to read them. So I'm starting with these:

This doesn't include the eBooks on the iPad I'm going to tackle. I think this will be an interesting spring break. 

Peace and hugs.

boardwalk empire

I seem to have a thing for HBO shows. Well, maybe I shouldn't say "thing" because it's not like I'm having a relationship with HBO shows.

I just happen to find almost every HBO show fascinating and can't get enough of them.

I've been putting off watching Boardwalk Empire because the shows I normally watch on HBO are either fantasy types (Game of Thrones) or good ole fashioned vampires that don't sparkle in the sunlight (True Blood). I've put it off because it's based (very, very loosely) on an actual person. And features other persons that were very real once upon a time.

When I was younger in my long ago teen age days, I was really into history. I still am, but like most things I enjoy, I don't have (spend) enough time with it. From the age of thirteen til about fifteen, I was really into post-WWI America, the '20's & '30's. Mostly, I wanted to learn everything I could about the organized crimes of the day. I would spend hours at the library checking out books about Lucky Luciano, Meyer Lansky, Al Capone (because I am a Chicago at heart), the list goes on and on.

My mom never thought it was weird, but she liked history as much as I did, so why would she really?

I'm usually more than a little reluctant about watching something based on real people that I know and have read about. It goes along the lines of why I have to read the book before I watch the movie. Chances are the creator's are going to go a crappy way with their artistic license. Oh, yeah, I'm looking at you, Hunger Games. And Public Enemies (I won't even go into how they royally screwed that one up).

And even though I'd heard great things about the show, I was in no hurry to watch. Even Lucky Luciano being a prominent character wasn't enough to sway me. I stayed my stubborn self and refused to give in until it was on for a few seasons. If I liked it, I like being able to watch the seasons in back to back if I want to because I have no patience and HBO waits an effing year between seasons. I forget what happens when a show has more than 3 months between seasons.

But I digress. I had a copy of the first season of the show. I recently got rid of cable because, well, it's tiresome and distracting, so I have all these shows on DVD (thank you very much huge hard drives and the library). The show kept staring at me, whispering sweet nothings to me, convincing me I wanted to watch. Evil DVD's.

Until finally I couldn't take it anymore and I watched. I watched the entire first season in a day. And I wanted to watch the second season immediately after.

I'm halfway through the second season and I already have the third season cued up to watch. Because it's just that damn good.

Seriously. The character development and plot makes you feel invested in what happens to them. Like if a certain someone named, um, J betrays their surrogate dad named, let's see, N, you care. Well, I do, anyway. And they're not even my favorite characters. I normally favor the secondary characters (i.e, Eric & Terry on True Blood and The Hound & Osha on Game of Thrones), and this show isn't any different: I'm totally invested in Richard Harrow & Angela Darmondy. They're both damaged goods, but you keep hoping they'll find the other side of the rainbow one day.

And the best part? They didn't completely screw up timelines and history. Just a few inconsistencies  but nothing I'd freak out about and can't handle. Even the butt-kicking mobsters are on par.

Now that I've raved about it, my break is over and I'm going to continue watching while I eat some pizza.

Laters!

so very in love

with this little beauty. She's gorgeous, isn't she?

Whenever I go into any store that has electronics, I won't let myself stop and say hello to the cameras because, well, I'll drool and wish I had a crap load of extra money underneath my mattress to buy one. Or at least be able to sell a kidney on the black market for the cash.

I made the mistake of picking her up and I didn't want to put her down. We connected on a spiritual level. Well, not really, but I didn't want to part.

And as much as I love the camera I already have (and I'm hoping that as I write this, she won't decide to suddenly crap out on me, because I do appreciate her and all technological goodness), I kind of want a new one. By "kind of", of course I mean desperately and yesterday instead of someday soon.