Acceptance

As my full year of being 30 draws to a close, I've learned to accept things about myself that I used to hide or pretend didn't exist. I'm not sure if it's the age or that I worry less about stuff that doesn't matter, but I've learned some things aren't as important as you think they are.

I've accepted:

1) I talk a lot. It doesn't matter what the situation is, I will talk any one's ear off if given the chance. It's not because I'm nervous or anything, I just enjoy talking, especially if the topic is something I'm interested in. I like that I have an opinion about everything and have no issues making it known to the world.

2) When I'm interested in something, I will learn everything I can about the subject. It does not matter what the interest is, I will pick up everything about it. I just can't help myself. In high school, my mom and I went to Tombstone and for six months I read everything I could about the wild west that I could get my hands on. I won't go into my Olympic swimming and Mighty Ducks phases (in which I wanted to be an Olympic swimmer and/or hockey player. It kind of got ridiculous at times). It sometimes comes in handy because I'm always full of useless information.

3) I have to look decent before leaving the house. It's something I'm sure I get from my sperm donor father that makes me at my most presentable at all times. My mom always said my grandma would get dressed up just to go to the market down the street, so it could be from her, too. I never leave the house without at least lipstick on and you'll only catch me in workout clothes if I'm home or on my way to the gym. And even then, it's some cute yoga pants from Victoria's Secret. I'm not vain, I just prefer not looking like a complete bum.

4) I'm not a perfect mother. I'm not like some of my other friends with kids and I don't have all my sh*t together like they do. And I've come to the realization I never will. At least not like they do. I'm okay with that. I try to be the best mom I can and let her know I love her and I'm always there for her. I think it's awesome that they DO have all their ducks in a row and I'd never begrudge them them that, I'm just not person.

5) I'm very opinionated about a lot of things. And by a lot of things, I'm talking pretty much anything.I can't help myself and I'm vocal about my opinion. There was a song my mom used to listen to called "Don't Get Me Started" and she said that song was written about me. And I've learned that if I try to stay silent, I end up with a migraine. So.

6) I'm a total geek. I worked at a comic book store in high school and I worked there because I've loved comics since I was 11 (I can't say I have any idea what's going on in the Marvel universe. I don't and I don't have time and the extra money that goes into comics like I used to). Stars Wars was the first movie series I ever fell in love with and I wear my Darth Vader tee proudly. I love new tech and new software. If I could get the latest and greatest (insert tech product here) I would be one happy girll.

7) I am a total sap. Seriously, you can't take me to a movie that has any person die or appear to die without me tearing up. And even if no one dies, but it's happy ending that's sweet, I will cry (like "Tangled"). Those damn commercials with the sad looking dogs and cats? I have to change the channel. Seriously. I will cry but pretend its allergies or there's something in my eye. But I get teary-eyed all the time (It was ten times worse when I was preggers). I think it's to make up for the tough exterior I show everyone. Maybe I just have funky tear ducts.  

8) I suck at making jokes, and the jokes I make are laced with sarcasm. My jokes aren't very funny unless you understand my sense of humor and you probably won't understand my sense of humor unless you know me pretty well. I love to laugh. I've never really been around people that don't have at least some semblance of humor. They don't have to be stand-up comedians, but jokes and smiles are a must. My BFF is awesomeness in the humor department. And she completely gets my humor that everyone says is very dry.

9) I'm independent. And stubborn. Like I won't ask for help because I don't like owing people. I'm kind of like Katniss that way. Yes, I know people, especially friends, do things out of the kindness of their heart and expect nothing in return. I'm just so used to doing things on my own and not depending on anyone else, I just don't expect the help. It's a pride thing and I try not to be that person as much as I used to. It's just a very hard habit to just drop.

10) I come off as a bitch. I've been told by more than one person in my life that when they first met me, they thought I was a bitch. Little did they know I was shy. I'm very shy and sometimes if I had my way, I'd never meet a new person again in my life. Because I'm super shy. As an adult, I force myself out of my little comfort zone so I can skip over that shy and awkward first introduction. Those are always the worst. It's like the first day of school when no one knows anyone else.

11) I'm an Oreo. Seriously. I'm the whitest girl you'll ever meet, but I have the nicest tan in the world. Many people have said they thought I was some blond girl when they talked to me on the phone. When I was younger it would bother me a lot. I felt like I had to prove that I'm both or something. It was pretty stupid and now I just don't care. I've come to accept that it's just the way I am. Besides, I am white. And black. If people don't like it they can suck it.

12) I have the strangest taste in guys. The BFF has just given up on me liking normal guys. And she doesn't seem surprised because she remembers my huge ass crush on Kevin Spacey during my junior year of high school. I could assert it was his acting skills that attracted me, but I'd be lying. I thought he was hot when I was 16 and his was 38. Half the time my taste in guys doesn't make a lick of sense. And I usually end up like the guy I couldn't stand at first. It's like my brain thinks my life should be a stupid romance novel.

13) I have no shame at times. I guarantee if you were driving down the road and pulled up next to me at a stoplight, you'd look over & see me with the windows rolled down and singing loudly. And dancing. Being in a store or at school working on a computer doesn't stop me in the slightest. When people stop and stare, I wave and say "hi". If B's with me, she just smiles and waves. We really don't care.

14) I am a great procrastinator. I'm so good at it, I could write a book about it. Maybe later, though, after I avoid everything else I need to do. Like school work. Or finishing writing the other thirty billions books I want to write that I stopped in the middle of. And avoid everything by perusing Tumblr. Or catching up on all the shows I've DVR'd that I still haven't watched.

15) I am a huge worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about things I have absolutely no control over. I'm not sure where it comes from exactly. I've never been one of those people who won't think more than a day into the future. I'm already thinking and worrying about the kid going to college and it's still 8 years away. I worry ALL the time (not that I don't have fun, I just have that crazy brain that refuses to turn off the worrying portion).

16) California is home. For now, anyway, until I get bored and completely itchy and the kid's graduated high school and then I can move someplace else. But seriously, Cali's more home to me than any once place has been in awhile.

Yup, all things I've learned about myself, I am perfectly okay with and don't really care if people like or don't like it. It's just taken thirty years to realize it. :)

my big fat gypsy wedding

I know I complain about reality t.v. because I think most of the ideas they're coming up with are a waste of time and just plain stupid.

Duck Dynasty?

Parking Wars?

Shipping Wars?

Dance Moms?

At this rate, anyone with a missing toe can get a show. It's ridiculous how much time and money is wasted on reality television. It makes me want to get rid of cable altogether. When I watch TV, I want to escape real life (or the made up version of life called reality TV) by watching something completely made up, like True Blood, Suits, Supernatural or The Walking Dead. See? Made up stuff with actual character development.

How come they don't have a show about working moms? Is it not dramatic enough for people to want to watch? Is it just not intriguing to watch a mom struggle without adding made-up sh*t into the mix?

But I digress. There is one show I pride on it being my dirty little secret. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I can't help but watch it. Not for the quality programming, but the whole gypsy/traveller lifestyle is seriously fascinating to me.

Their way of life and how different it is than mine just intrigues me to no end. They raise their children in a completely opposite frame of mind compared to how I was raised and how I'm bringing up my kid.

The guys are in charge and women are second class citizens that drop out of school when they're practically babies (11 and 12-ish) to learn how to keep how house and take care of the younger siblings. The biggest things the girls look forward to is their first communion and their wedding day. And they go all out with their dresses, cakes and decorations. They can barely move in their dresses and the female party guests look like they shopped at a strip club.

This is normal for them. Not so much for me.

The girls get married fairly young. So young, I'd be considered an old spinster. They're not really allowed to date, and if they do, it's chaperoned by a male in their family. And they start popping out kids pretty quickly.

And I get it. It weirds me out because as a teen my mom wouldnt have even let those outfits in the door and that's their culture and how they were raised. I know I would never fit into their way of life.

Since the show is somewhat popular on TLC, we had to come up with our own version of the show. My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. One of the worst best ideas ever.

I have so many issues about this show, but they may come off very rude and offensive. I was always told if you don't have anhything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And my thoughts on this show would probably piss people off to no end. So.

That being said, TLC is having a My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding marathon on as I'm writing this. I could totally change the channel, but it's like watching a train wreck. You just can't help it. I realized the show makes me said. But not in a good-natured it's-just-reality-TV. It just makes me think how far reality TV has come in the worst possible way.

where the green grass grows

I heard this song on the radio on my way home from school last night and like a lot of songs, it took me back to a very specific time in my life.
This particular Tim McGraw song sends me straight back to my tech school days at Ft. Meade when I was still an 18 year old kid.

It reminds me of Swayla, her mothering ways and that time we got into it and I swear she was going to smack me upside my head. I laugh about it now because if she would've, I wouldn't blame her - I had it coming because I was kind of a brat.

It takes me back to my crazy ass roommate that wanted to wax our two feet of floor space- weekly. It's one reason we didn't stay roommates for long. The other is she was kind of crazy.

It makes me think of Kristin and her sadness that Shane graduated. Her sadness didn't last long because he ended up stationed nearby and they got married the following year. They're still happily married and have 4 gorgeous kids.

Trina rounds up the trio and she had ended up with the stinkiest roommate of all time until she swapped and became Kristin's roommate. She's from Georgia and looks like the sweetest thing. And she is- just don't piss her off :-D

Mostly the song reminds me of my first friends in the Air Force and when I first met them. Kristin and I were in the same basic training flight. I met Swayla and Trina while we all waited at the airport for our ride to Ft. Meade. The four of us ended up stationed in Colorado Springs for our first assignment after we graduated tech school. It's crazy how much has changed since we all met about 13 years ago. We've grown and so have our families: we have about 10 kids between us. We've all changed and became even better people.

So the Tim McGraw song? I don't hear it that often, but when I do, it makes me think of those girls and it always makes me smile.




(just ignore that girl off to the left and the one in the middle- those are the unnamed roommates)

Look at how young and very......blue we were.

california girls

The kiddo insists that we celebrate with ice cream and popcorn. Because we're both officially California girls. Literally.

One year ago, after a almost a week traveling across the country, we finally arrived in Cali.

It's been a big year of firsts for both of us. It was the first time in a long time I've lived in a place that I didn't completely hate. Like even in the worst moments, I didn't wish the place into it's own personal hell.

It was the first full year B spent at one school and had both of her parents in the same city. It was my first full year back at school, first for culinary, then I changed my major to photo. I also became a an official resident of another state for the first time in 30 years (Illinois, it was fun, but we've had to part ways), even though I will always be a chicago girl at heart. No matter what.

And for a year, it wasn't too bad. If anything, I think everything fell into place. I kinda fell in love with the city I live in, which is really a first for me because the last city I fell in love with was Rome. Go figure it'd be a city in California.




Yup, it's good to be California girls.

regrets

One of the most important lessons my momma taught me was really simple:
No regrets.

When I die, I don't want to look back on my life and realize what I should have done differently. Or what I should have done. And things that happen that ended badly or completely unexpectedly? Learn and grown- don't let it eat you up inside.

Which brings me to my current decision. A year ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I had everything planned out perfectly. I would get my degree in Baking & Pastry. Open my own cupcakery. Yada, yada.

And then 6 months into my first year of school, I had doubts that this was what I really wanted. I still liked baking, but i'd watch my other classmates and everything culinary related came naturally to them. I, on the other hand, would be pulling my hair out from nerves.

And then there was last quarter. I had 2 really great culinary teachers (both bakers) and I learned a lot. About baking and about myself. These teachers loved what they did. They loved baking and everything it entails. I did not have that same passion.

I hated getting up in the morning to go to class. The commute and the early hours added to the disgruntled feelings I was developing. But it wasn't exciting to me like it was to everyone else.

I realized I didn't like cooking the way I should if I was going to a culinary school. And it was ten times harder for me because nothing came naturally to me.

So I thought long and hard. And it wasn't an easy decision, either. I decided it was time for a change. So on my 3 week summer break, I visited the Art Institute of Cali in Sunnyvale. The fact that it's only a 30 minute commute daily instead of an hour and a half (more if I hit traffic) was enough to seal the deal. That I could change my major to something I'd prefer is a plus.

This week I start working on my Digital Photography degree. I think this works better for me. I get the fun of being behind the camera and working on computers. Believe me when I say that I'm 100 times more comfy working on a computer than I've ever felt in a kitchen.

And photography's the job I wanted when I first found out my job was graphics when I joined the military.

This whole post ties in together. If I'd continued down the culinary path, I'd end up completely despising it. And thats nothing I want to happen. If I'm going to have a career, it should at least be something I'd enjoy just a little.
And If I stayed in baking and pastry, I'd have regrets my whole life.

So see? No regrets. :-D

one year

It's been a year today since my world hit rock bottom. It hasn't been the easiest year. I have days when everything seems normal and great, and suddenly it hits me that my mom's not here anymore and I'm overwhelmed with emotions I can't seem to control.

But I have more good days than bad and I have my mom to thank for that. I wouldn't be the strong person I am today.

The loss and guilt I feel will never be completely gone, no matter what anyone says. But it gets easier with each passing day.

But still. Its hard to put into words how big of an impact losing her was in my life. And all I can really say is: I miss my mommy and I wish she was still here.

We love you and miss you more than you'll ever know.

my anniversary

Yes, it's her birthday, but it's my 10 year anniversary. 10 years ago today I became a mom.

That doesn't seem possible because just yesterday she was learning to walk and giving sloppy kisses.

I always forget how quickly time passes until I realize how much time has passed. And then I remember to cherish the little moments because they're not going to last forever.

Because this:




Turns into this:




long before you realize it.