2 years

So two years. It's already been two years. Have I accepted that my mom's gone? Yes. Have I gotten used to it? Nope.

Truthfully, I know I never will because losing your mother, no matter what, is hard at any age. I'm not the first girl to lose their mother and I know I'm not the last, but its still my mom. 

It has gotten a little easier and I'm not as sad as I was at the beginning, but I still have days when all I want to do is hear her voice again, telling me everything's okay. 

And, well, I know that's not possible, but I do feel like she's watching over me and B to make sure we're okay. And not in that creepy "Ghost Adventures" kind of way because she knows that sh*t freaks me out :). 

Even though she's not here in physical form, I'll continue to try and live my life to the fullest and make her proud. 

That being said, I miss you every day, mommy. 

miss b and the boy(s)

*sniff* I start this post feeling a little sad. Not because I'm actually sad, but there's just one more realization that the kiddo's growing up faster than I'd like.

It's started. The whole process of her about to hit puberty has begun. The kiddo has liked boys in her class before. She even had her first (very chaste) kiss when she was five. Now she's officially crushing on a boy and its not just because she thinks he's cute. It's the kind of crush when you see how your name sounds with their last name. I would say I'm surprised, but 10 is around the time I hit my boy crazy stage.

So I'll call him The Boy. And the boy is a blond 11-year-old who swears (the word of choice is crap), wears jerseys and is in need of a haircut. I see him as a teenage bad boy. Her crush makes total sense because she is her mother's daughter. 

But. Of course there's a but. There's another boy. Let's call him The Other Boy. He's the nice friendly one with good manners that the kiddo is friends with (she and The Boy have a like/dislike kind of friendship). She insists she just likes him as a friend, but she forgets I've known her for over 11 years and there's not much she can hide from me (right now, at least). And I'm a girl and once upon a time I was a little girl with a crush on boys in my grade. I know the signs. 

Now, as her mom and as a former kid, I feel the need to point out 

I'd prefer for her to crush on The Other Boy because:

a) he doesn't seem threatened by her smarts like The Boy does

b) he seems to have as much motivation and determination to succeed in everything he does

c) he reads as much as she does - they're even in the same advanced reading group

d) he has more in common with the the kiddo than The Boy

e) he's an all around nice kid

When I tell her this, I get dirty looks and the rolling of eyes because, well, what do I know about the opposite sex? According to her I never dated until I met her dad and apparently have not dated since (in her mind that's my life story).

Of course, I'm hinting at The Other Boy for when she's allowed to date at 25. 

much needed break

That's what I'm taking from Facebook, twitter, and Tumblr. A break from these social medias is what I really need right now.

There's two reasons:

1) I'm all for freedom of speech, but some people need to learn when silence is golden. I don't always agree with everyone's opinion  but I respect their right to say it, but when there's rudeness involved when I have a opinion, I really have to draw the line and step back.  My mom always told me I was extremely opinionated and vocal. And I don't want to say something that I'll regret, so taking a break from all the ignorance I've been seeing is the best idea for everyone. I like my friends and I'd like to keep them, so this temporary parting of ways is great for everyone: I don't shoot my mouth off and they don't get offended. See? Happy resolution for everybody.

2) the second and most important reason for this break? I don't seem to get much done because those social media's are far too distracting for me and that is just not working anymore. I want and need to get things done that actually matter and Facebook shouldn't be on my priority list. So I'm taking it off my list. School, photography, writing and reading are on the top of that list (not including the kiddo, of course). I need to clear my head and worry about me for a little bit.

After my break, I might check them out every couple of days, but that's it. I'm still going to blog, but that's the extent of my upcoming social media. So my blogs will still pop up on Facebook, just not me :)

If you need to get a hold of me, you can text me.

some days I'm okay

Some days I really am okay. Everything's good, I'm happy and the world seems on an even keel. Everything in life is going really well.

And then there are the bad moments. Those are the times that suck. Those are the ones I dread. They start off woth perfectly normal, "okay" days. Then something happens, a song on a radio, a book I see, or a a TV show scene and its July of 2011 all over again. I feel helpless, alone and inconsolable. All I want to do is find a dark room to curl up in and cry. It always happens at the most inconvenient moments, too.

I kind of hate those moments. Not because they sometimes happen at the most inopportune moments that make me feel like Brendan Fraser's sensitive guy in Bedazzled.

It's because I feel okay most of the time and suddenly I'm not. Suddenly I'm a little girl who just wants her mommy to make everything okay again. All I want is to pick up the phone and tell her how crappy I'm feeling at that moment because she was the person I'd call when I had a bad or good moment. But I can't anymore and that makes it worse.

I'll get sad and wonder why some girls get to keep their moms for longer than 30 thirty, whether they like them or not. I'll wonder where the fairness is in that - Why did she have to get sick? Why couldn't she be cured? Why is she the one missing out on her grand kid's biggest moments, biggest achievements? Why did she have to leave me?

Then there's the guilt. The guilt is sometimes worse than the sadness. The guilt that I couldn't do more for her, that I couldn't save her, that I'm still here and she's not. And with the guilt and sadness come a few tears that I feel makes me look like an unhinged mess.

But then there's a little voice in the back of my head and it's usually my mom's (not in some creepy Norman Bates kind of way, it's more a friendly reminder of what my mom always said during her last year) She didn't want me to stop living just because she wasn't around. She wouldn't want me wallowing in self pity. A couple of minutes here and there, but not lying and bed refusing to get out. That's what she always said. That and if I became like one of those hoarders on TV that refused to get rid of any of her stuff, she'd haunt me until I got my act together.

That's usually around the time I realize I was kind lucky to have had her in my life for as long as I did, that I had her for a mom. Some people lose their mom's before they're old enough to walk. B and I were both lucky enough to have had her to spend time with. It's kind of my "ah" moment.

So, yeah.

Some days I'm okay.

wow . . .

There are times when I'm really glad certain kids aren't mine. The 9-year-old girl who threw of full on tantrum with foot stomping and loud shrieking in the library because she wasn't allowed to request some book she wanted is one of the those kids. Apparently whenever this kid is told "no" the normal reaction is to throw a hissy-fit until mom and dad give in (which really wonders in their household because that kid totally got what she wanted and didn't even say thank you).

She should be very lucky I'm not her mother. There's no way my kid would have acted like that. This in not me tooting my perfection in motherhood, because B and I have our own issues. My kid wouldn't have acted like that because we would have left the library before she could even raise her voice to screeching level.

One of the few things I've learned as a mom? Giving the kids exactly what they want whenever they want will  lead to spoiled and ungrateful kids that will try to walk all over you. Besides, how are they ever going to learn the value of anything if they always get what they want.

stop being so judgy

Seriously, some people need to just stop. Just because my family isn't their version of conventional, there's no need for the stink eye, nose upturned kind of attitude.

I get it. The fact that I had my kid young and *gasp* out of wedlock, might sound disturbing. And, wait for it, I choose  to be a single unwed mother. Because, as we all know, single mothers are the reason there's sooooo many problems with the world. Yeah, that's it. Because my daughter could never lead a normal productive life both parents weren't in the picture.

Oh. Wait. We both are. We're just not together. Because we realized long before she was born that us together would make us both unhappy people. Which we knew would eventually lead to an unhappy, maladjusted kid. I know, what were we thinking, right? Making a ridiculously adult decision like that.

Why am I bitching about this? The other day, I was basically told in not so many (nice) words that I was in the wrong as a parent because a) I had my kid too young, b) I was going to hell because I had sex before marriage and c) I was screwing up my kid's life because we never got married and she has 2 different households. "It just isn't a healthy environment for her".

I took a calming breath (because I was pretty close to punching her out) before pointing out that a) yes, I was young, but 20 isn't that young. I also had a very well-paid full-time job and insurance that I didn't have to worry about, b) yes, I did, but it's the 21st century and not many people are celibate these days. Sex before marriage isn't some new trend I started all on my own. Yes, I happened to get pregnant, but sometimes shit happens. Having  my kid, whatever the situation isn't something I'll ever regret and there's no way she could ever make me feel ashamed. C) Yup, B has two different households. And she likes it that way. She has a bunch of people who love her more than anything and that will drop everything to be by her side. Having people care - yeah, that's real unhealthy for any kid. She's one of the most well-adjusted kids I've ever met and I'm comparing her to kids that have both parents married and living together (and I am not saying kids that come from that kind of household are messed up, because I'm not, so no one get their feathers all ruffled. I just mean B's just as well-adjusted) . One thing I can say two households has really helped her with is that she's rolls with the punches and change so easily. Sudden change in an environment isn't something she even blinks it. My kid is loved and that's a hell of a lot more important than whether or not her mother and father have a little piece of paper. Our family situation isn't perfect and doesn't work for everyone. We all work our butts off to make it work for everyone in our family and for B. And it works for us.

I very kindly thanked her for very unrealistic and very misguided opinion and walked away.

So what's the point of this long and vent-filled post? It's dedicated to the woman (who's name I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I never want to know) who's apparently stuck in the 19th century with her skewed views, who feels the need to point out if you're not living your life like hers, you're in the wrong. Your opinion doesn't mean jack squat to me. Lady, I'm allowed to live my life as I choose with no regrets and no need to justify it to you. Just like you're entitled to be an ignorant dumb-ass.

But I'm not judging you.

Constantine

Keanu Reeves. 'Nuff said.

Well, not all Keanu Reeves. I love this movie for a number of reasons. One is Keanu Reeves. He pulls off the brooding, I'm-going-to-hell-and-I-don't-give-a-sh*t title character well. Not because I think he's that type of guy, but because he seriously pulls it off well. Or maybe it's the lazy suit and tie deal that makes him look like he rolled out of bed and threw it on as an after thought.

Or possibly the whole heaven-and-hell-fighting-over-the-end-of-the-world. Because like Supernatural, that's the theme of the movie. Which always fascinates me to no end. Because people are interesting and slightly desperate creatures when faced with their own demise. Yeah, I know, I've got issues.

But seriously, I read the comics and I'm a bit of a fan, so it makes sense that'd I see the movie. And it didn't suck or completely ruin my faith in turning comics into movies like some. *ahem*, yup, looking at you FOX and all you're horribly crappy movies. Not naming any names or anything. X-Men: United, Wolverine, X-Men: First Class. I'm still trying to purge their version of Gambit. And Mystique. And the entire First Class that they totally messed up beyond repair. And everything they completely ruined about the X-Men that I loved. That destroyed my faith in comic movies until I saw Iron Man.

But I digress. Because Constantine was awesome in it's non-X-Men related-ness. And that is why it's on my favorite movie list.