this is strange

I guess it's a good thing when I have less blog drafts than published posts. It kind of makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, rather than spending copious of time on Tumblr. Which I totally don't do.

My number of drafts on this blog have dwindled and there are twice as many posted updates. Yay! I blame the new school and the new major. But it's the best kind of blame. I feel more creative because I get to do about a billion more creative things than I did in culinary.

And I'm not saying culinary isn't creative, it's very creative. Just not for this girl. My brain doesn't work on a culinary level like it does on a techie level. It seems so much easier for me and it doesn't hurt my head. Even as I write this post, I'm done with all my homework for this week and I was assigned it yesterday. I wrote character backgrounds for my latest novel and ten more ideas came to me.

I dunno. It makes me feel like I'm back to normal.

Well, as normal as I can get, anyway.

time for a change

When I think back to my younger self, specifically between 21 and 22, I realize something. I was more organized and had everything running like a well-timed train.

I feel I was so much more put together when I was a newbie mom than I am being a 10-year veteran in the field of motherhood. I had everything on my sticky pad checked off and the only things I had to write down were the things I had to get done. And they always got done. I had time to read books. I had time to write. I didn't feel overwhelmed with life.

I'm not exactly sure what's happened, but over the last few years, I've stopped being that person. It really bothers me at times because she had all her sh*t together and I feel like I drop the ball a lot. I feel things are sometimes out of control for me. I seem to never have enough time for anything.

I don't know what it is and frankly, I'm pretty of sick of it. It's like the confidence I had in myself back then disappeared or took a really long hiatus. Another thing that probably hasn't helped is the fact that I don't have anybody to really talk to. The one person that was my sounding board on everything isn't around anymore. My closest friends all have their own things going on and are too far away. One of them can't bother to call a person back after you called to congratulate them on their new baby. Two months ago (I'm not bitching. It's the plain truth. I might be worried that they'd read this, but I know they won't).

I guess it's me. I've always known I'm a hard person to get to know or understand, but I didn't realize I was that bad. But I digress.

But now it's time for that crap to end. I'm tired of feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. I'm sick to death of how sucky my life's been and the fact that I even let it get that bad. I'm not proud of it and I'm done with feeling like . .  . well, crap. So, I'm done with that feeling.

I refuse to let it pop back up and it's not welcome ever again.

b starts making lovey eyes at ryan gosling

We watched "Remember the Titans" this past weekend. It was B's first time because she's always giving me that stink eye look when I'd say "Left side - Strong side". So for my sanity's sake (and because I wanted to see Opie before he started sprouting that not so attractive beard) we made it our movie night choice.

Since it's a Disney family type flick, there wasn't much I had to worry about shielding her from. And since it's a football movie, nothing could be wrong with it. We got to the part when they went to that 2 week football summer camp when the inevitable happened.

I can't even say I was surprised that it happened at all. Coach Denzel was making the players get to know each other. Ryan Gosling was torturing his roommate with Beatles songs sung by Ringo Starr (and doing an awful, awful dance to go along with it). She wanted to see it again. And then repeated how funny that part was.

Cut to the locker room scene when everyone's buddy-buddy with each other. And Ryan Gosling danced again. Like he was having spasms. She giggled and had me rewind it 3 times before I put my foot down.

That's about the time I realized my little girl thought 20-year-old Ryan Gosling was cute. And now she's got a mini-sized crush on him. It's also around the time it hit me that she really is my kid. She's already liking boys (I'll leave the crush on the boy in her class for another time) and she thinks Ryan Gosling's cute. She definitely has my taste (and she's already slightly boy crazy).

I think I'll be really worried in a few years when she's watching some movie with Mr. Gosling in it and she's ogling him while he's the shirtless good looking man he is today.

But, knowing my kid, it'll probably be Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans.

Ahem. There's a reason I don't let her read my blog yet. :D

in case of a zombie apocalypse

In honor of the latest Resident Evil addition and all that recent talk about homeless people eating people's faces has gotten me thinking about the impending zombie apocalypse. That and all those zombie movies/TV shows I watch. And I watch way too much of them. I know I've already made my list of what to do in case it actually happens. But having my zombie marathon got me thinking of who I'd go look for in the event that it would really happen.

I'm not talking about people I really know. It's a given I'd run around with the kiddo and my closest friends (if they're still alive, that is). I'm talking about people that don't really exist outside my TV screen. Because well, they're fictional. But if they were real and there were zombies about, I'd hunt look for them. (And yes, there are sooo many other zombie movies that I like, these are just at the top)

1) As much as I love The Walking Dead, I'd avoid every single person that belongs to the little group of survivors. Except for Cletus, ahem, excuse me, Daryl, Carol and Glenn. They are the only people that still have  and make common sense. Everyone else is either too whiny, psychotic, or just unfriendly. The three of them don't always need to resort to violence at every turn, like some people. *Ahem* Shane. Plus, Daryl has a bow and arrow (and is just a little bit yummy in that bad boy kind of way). And I would make a point to ignore everyone else in their band of merry craziness and just kidnap the 3 of them. Everyone else they hang out with are too rash and, well, idiotic. I avoid stupidity in everyday life, so a zombie apocalypse is no exception.

2) Shaun from Shaun of the Dead would be the first person I look up. He's all kinds of awesome. Especially his record fighting zombie skills. That would come in handy in many situations. And Shaun's just pretty much the sh*t. He could keep everyone's spirits up by convincing them to go to the pub.

3)  From Dawn of the Dead, I'd pick Ana, Michael, Kenneth and C.J. I would leave behind that red-haired girl, Nicole, just because she went after that damn dog (that would have been fine, but she was a total idiot). I'd like to not travel around with senseless people. Ana and Michael could help repopulate the earth (if he wouldn't have been bit by a zombie, that is). Kenneth and C.J. were just very cool under pressure, which I admire. C.J started off as a total douche, but he really redeemed himself in the end.

4) 28 Weeks Later is next on my must-have list. But . . . . the only person that actually impressed me was Doyle. Not because I think he's a hottie and I'm totally biased. I'm not. Who could say no to having Jeremy Renner around? I mean, an Army sniper would always come in handy. He can handle a weapon and handle it well, so he would be very useful to have around. Because he can handle a weapon. Yeah, that's why. Ahem.

5) Zombieland was on par with the rules to live by in a zombie apocalypse, and it also had one of my favorite zombie killing-Twinkie loving people, Tallahassee. Who wouldn't want him and his mourning over his "puppy" to hang out with? And his zombie killing via banjos? Awesomeness.

















6) Now I know Resident Evil isn't really considered a zombie movie, but I kinda consider them zombies. They feed on people and then those said people die and come back to life trying to eat other people. So. While most people would think Alice is my beloved character from the series, in actuality, she is not. I heart Rain and she is a kick ass female. And Carlos (because he's yummy and he was in more than Resident Evil movie). They're my go to people in the series (yes, I'm super excited about the two of them reappearing in Resident Evil: Retribution. Even if they're coming back on the evil side of things.

Apparently in the case of a zombie apocalypse, I'd only want to surround myself with people that are competent enough to take care of themselves and not completely selfish that they wouldn't help out others. And they all have to have common sense. A zombie apocalypse is the worst time to lack common sense. That's probably why some people I know would never make it through a ZA in one piece. :D

Acceptance

As my full year of being 30 draws to a close, I've learned to accept things about myself that I used to hide or pretend didn't exist. I'm not sure if it's the age or that I worry less about stuff that doesn't matter, but I've learned some things aren't as important as you think they are.

I've accepted:

1) I talk a lot. It doesn't matter what the situation is, I will talk any one's ear off if given the chance. It's not because I'm nervous or anything, I just enjoy talking, especially if the topic is something I'm interested in. I like that I have an opinion about everything and have no issues making it known to the world.

2) When I'm interested in something, I will learn everything I can about the subject. It does not matter what the interest is, I will pick up everything about it. I just can't help myself. In high school, my mom and I went to Tombstone and for six months I read everything I could about the wild west that I could get my hands on. I won't go into my Olympic swimming and Mighty Ducks phases (in which I wanted to be an Olympic swimmer and/or hockey player. It kind of got ridiculous at times). It sometimes comes in handy because I'm always full of useless information.

3) I have to look decent before leaving the house. It's something I'm sure I get from my sperm donor father that makes me at my most presentable at all times. My mom always said my grandma would get dressed up just to go to the market down the street, so it could be from her, too. I never leave the house without at least lipstick on and you'll only catch me in workout clothes if I'm home or on my way to the gym. And even then, it's some cute yoga pants from Victoria's Secret. I'm not vain, I just prefer not looking like a complete bum.

4) I'm not a perfect mother. I'm not like some of my other friends with kids and I don't have all my sh*t together like they do. And I've come to the realization I never will. At least not like they do. I'm okay with that. I try to be the best mom I can and let her know I love her and I'm always there for her. I think it's awesome that they DO have all their ducks in a row and I'd never begrudge them them that, I'm just not person.

5) I'm very opinionated about a lot of things. And by a lot of things, I'm talking pretty much anything.I can't help myself and I'm vocal about my opinion. There was a song my mom used to listen to called "Don't Get Me Started" and she said that song was written about me. And I've learned that if I try to stay silent, I end up with a migraine. So.

6) I'm a total geek. I worked at a comic book store in high school and I worked there because I've loved comics since I was 11 (I can't say I have any idea what's going on in the Marvel universe. I don't and I don't have time and the extra money that goes into comics like I used to). Stars Wars was the first movie series I ever fell in love with and I wear my Darth Vader tee proudly. I love new tech and new software. If I could get the latest and greatest (insert tech product here) I would be one happy girll.

7) I am a total sap. Seriously, you can't take me to a movie that has any person die or appear to die without me tearing up. And even if no one dies, but it's happy ending that's sweet, I will cry (like "Tangled"). Those damn commercials with the sad looking dogs and cats? I have to change the channel. Seriously. I will cry but pretend its allergies or there's something in my eye. But I get teary-eyed all the time (It was ten times worse when I was preggers). I think it's to make up for the tough exterior I show everyone. Maybe I just have funky tear ducts.  

8) I suck at making jokes, and the jokes I make are laced with sarcasm. My jokes aren't very funny unless you understand my sense of humor and you probably won't understand my sense of humor unless you know me pretty well. I love to laugh. I've never really been around people that don't have at least some semblance of humor. They don't have to be stand-up comedians, but jokes and smiles are a must. My BFF is awesomeness in the humor department. And she completely gets my humor that everyone says is very dry.

9) I'm independent. And stubborn. Like I won't ask for help because I don't like owing people. I'm kind of like Katniss that way. Yes, I know people, especially friends, do things out of the kindness of their heart and expect nothing in return. I'm just so used to doing things on my own and not depending on anyone else, I just don't expect the help. It's a pride thing and I try not to be that person as much as I used to. It's just a very hard habit to just drop.

10) I come off as a bitch. I've been told by more than one person in my life that when they first met me, they thought I was a bitch. Little did they know I was shy. I'm very shy and sometimes if I had my way, I'd never meet a new person again in my life. Because I'm super shy. As an adult, I force myself out of my little comfort zone so I can skip over that shy and awkward first introduction. Those are always the worst. It's like the first day of school when no one knows anyone else.

11) I'm an Oreo. Seriously. I'm the whitest girl you'll ever meet, but I have the nicest tan in the world. Many people have said they thought I was some blond girl when they talked to me on the phone. When I was younger it would bother me a lot. I felt like I had to prove that I'm both or something. It was pretty stupid and now I just don't care. I've come to accept that it's just the way I am. Besides, I am white. And black. If people don't like it they can suck it.

12) I have the strangest taste in guys. The BFF has just given up on me liking normal guys. And she doesn't seem surprised because she remembers my huge ass crush on Kevin Spacey during my junior year of high school. I could assert it was his acting skills that attracted me, but I'd be lying. I thought he was hot when I was 16 and his was 38. Half the time my taste in guys doesn't make a lick of sense. And I usually end up like the guy I couldn't stand at first. It's like my brain thinks my life should be a stupid romance novel.

13) I have no shame at times. I guarantee if you were driving down the road and pulled up next to me at a stoplight, you'd look over & see me with the windows rolled down and singing loudly. And dancing. Being in a store or at school working on a computer doesn't stop me in the slightest. When people stop and stare, I wave and say "hi". If B's with me, she just smiles and waves. We really don't care.

14) I am a great procrastinator. I'm so good at it, I could write a book about it. Maybe later, though, after I avoid everything else I need to do. Like school work. Or finishing writing the other thirty billions books I want to write that I stopped in the middle of. And avoid everything by perusing Tumblr. Or catching up on all the shows I've DVR'd that I still haven't watched.

15) I am a huge worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about things I have absolutely no control over. I'm not sure where it comes from exactly. I've never been one of those people who won't think more than a day into the future. I'm already thinking and worrying about the kid going to college and it's still 8 years away. I worry ALL the time (not that I don't have fun, I just have that crazy brain that refuses to turn off the worrying portion).

16) California is home. For now, anyway, until I get bored and completely itchy and the kid's graduated high school and then I can move someplace else. But seriously, Cali's more home to me than any once place has been in awhile.

Yup, all things I've learned about myself, I am perfectly okay with and don't really care if people like or don't like it. It's just taken thirty years to realize it. :)

my big fat gypsy wedding

I know I complain about reality t.v. because I think most of the ideas they're coming up with are a waste of time and just plain stupid.

Duck Dynasty?

Parking Wars?

Shipping Wars?

Dance Moms?

At this rate, anyone with a missing toe can get a show. It's ridiculous how much time and money is wasted on reality television. It makes me want to get rid of cable altogether. When I watch TV, I want to escape real life (or the made up version of life called reality TV) by watching something completely made up, like True Blood, Suits, Supernatural or The Walking Dead. See? Made up stuff with actual character development.

How come they don't have a show about working moms? Is it not dramatic enough for people to want to watch? Is it just not intriguing to watch a mom struggle without adding made-up sh*t into the mix?

But I digress. There is one show I pride on it being my dirty little secret. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. I can't help but watch it. Not for the quality programming, but the whole gypsy/traveller lifestyle is seriously fascinating to me.

Their way of life and how different it is than mine just intrigues me to no end. They raise their children in a completely opposite frame of mind compared to how I was raised and how I'm bringing up my kid.

The guys are in charge and women are second class citizens that drop out of school when they're practically babies (11 and 12-ish) to learn how to keep how house and take care of the younger siblings. The biggest things the girls look forward to is their first communion and their wedding day. And they go all out with their dresses, cakes and decorations. They can barely move in their dresses and the female party guests look like they shopped at a strip club.

This is normal for them. Not so much for me.

The girls get married fairly young. So young, I'd be considered an old spinster. They're not really allowed to date, and if they do, it's chaperoned by a male in their family. And they start popping out kids pretty quickly.

And I get it. It weirds me out because as a teen my mom wouldnt have even let those outfits in the door and that's their culture and how they were raised. I know I would never fit into their way of life.

Since the show is somewhat popular on TLC, we had to come up with our own version of the show. My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. One of the worst best ideas ever.

I have so many issues about this show, but they may come off very rude and offensive. I was always told if you don't have anhything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And my thoughts on this show would probably piss people off to no end. So.

That being said, TLC is having a My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding marathon on as I'm writing this. I could totally change the channel, but it's like watching a train wreck. You just can't help it. I realized the show makes me said. But not in a good-natured it's-just-reality-TV. It just makes me think how far reality TV has come in the worst possible way.

where the green grass grows

I heard this song on the radio on my way home from school last night and like a lot of songs, it took me back to a very specific time in my life.
This particular Tim McGraw song sends me straight back to my tech school days at Ft. Meade when I was still an 18 year old kid.

It reminds me of Swayla, her mothering ways and that time we got into it and I swear she was going to smack me upside my head. I laugh about it now because if she would've, I wouldn't blame her - I had it coming because I was kind of a brat.

It takes me back to my crazy ass roommate that wanted to wax our two feet of floor space- weekly. It's one reason we didn't stay roommates for long. The other is she was kind of crazy.

It makes me think of Kristin and her sadness that Shane graduated. Her sadness didn't last long because he ended up stationed nearby and they got married the following year. They're still happily married and have 4 gorgeous kids.

Trina rounds up the trio and she had ended up with the stinkiest roommate of all time until she swapped and became Kristin's roommate. She's from Georgia and looks like the sweetest thing. And she is- just don't piss her off :-D

Mostly the song reminds me of my first friends in the Air Force and when I first met them. Kristin and I were in the same basic training flight. I met Swayla and Trina while we all waited at the airport for our ride to Ft. Meade. The four of us ended up stationed in Colorado Springs for our first assignment after we graduated tech school. It's crazy how much has changed since we all met about 13 years ago. We've grown and so have our families: we have about 10 kids between us. We've all changed and became even better people.

So the Tim McGraw song? I don't hear it that often, but when I do, it makes me think of those girls and it always makes me smile.




(just ignore that girl off to the left and the one in the middle- those are the unnamed roommates)

Look at how young and very......blue we were.

california girls

The kiddo insists that we celebrate with ice cream and popcorn. Because we're both officially California girls. Literally.

One year ago, after a almost a week traveling across the country, we finally arrived in Cali.

It's been a big year of firsts for both of us. It was the first time in a long time I've lived in a place that I didn't completely hate. Like even in the worst moments, I didn't wish the place into it's own personal hell.

It was the first full year B spent at one school and had both of her parents in the same city. It was my first full year back at school, first for culinary, then I changed my major to photo. I also became a an official resident of another state for the first time in 30 years (Illinois, it was fun, but we've had to part ways), even though I will always be a chicago girl at heart. No matter what.

And for a year, it wasn't too bad. If anything, I think everything fell into place. I kinda fell in love with the city I live in, which is really a first for me because the last city I fell in love with was Rome. Go figure it'd be a city in California.




Yup, it's good to be California girls.

regrets

One of the most important lessons my momma taught me was really simple:
No regrets.

When I die, I don't want to look back on my life and realize what I should have done differently. Or what I should have done. And things that happen that ended badly or completely unexpectedly? Learn and grown- don't let it eat you up inside.

Which brings me to my current decision. A year ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I had everything planned out perfectly. I would get my degree in Baking & Pastry. Open my own cupcakery. Yada, yada.

And then 6 months into my first year of school, I had doubts that this was what I really wanted. I still liked baking, but i'd watch my other classmates and everything culinary related came naturally to them. I, on the other hand, would be pulling my hair out from nerves.

And then there was last quarter. I had 2 really great culinary teachers (both bakers) and I learned a lot. About baking and about myself. These teachers loved what they did. They loved baking and everything it entails. I did not have that same passion.

I hated getting up in the morning to go to class. The commute and the early hours added to the disgruntled feelings I was developing. But it wasn't exciting to me like it was to everyone else.

I realized I didn't like cooking the way I should if I was going to a culinary school. And it was ten times harder for me because nothing came naturally to me.

So I thought long and hard. And it wasn't an easy decision, either. I decided it was time for a change. So on my 3 week summer break, I visited the Art Institute of Cali in Sunnyvale. The fact that it's only a 30 minute commute daily instead of an hour and a half (more if I hit traffic) was enough to seal the deal. That I could change my major to something I'd prefer is a plus.

This week I start working on my Digital Photography degree. I think this works better for me. I get the fun of being behind the camera and working on computers. Believe me when I say that I'm 100 times more comfy working on a computer than I've ever felt in a kitchen.

And photography's the job I wanted when I first found out my job was graphics when I joined the military.

This whole post ties in together. If I'd continued down the culinary path, I'd end up completely despising it. And thats nothing I want to happen. If I'm going to have a career, it should at least be something I'd enjoy just a little.
And If I stayed in baking and pastry, I'd have regrets my whole life.

So see? No regrets. :-D

one year

It's been a year today since my world hit rock bottom. It hasn't been the easiest year. I have days when everything seems normal and great, and suddenly it hits me that my mom's not here anymore and I'm overwhelmed with emotions I can't seem to control.

But I have more good days than bad and I have my mom to thank for that. I wouldn't be the strong person I am today.

The loss and guilt I feel will never be completely gone, no matter what anyone says. But it gets easier with each passing day.

But still. Its hard to put into words how big of an impact losing her was in my life. And all I can really say is: I miss my mommy and I wish she was still here.

We love you and miss you more than you'll ever know.

my anniversary

Yes, it's her birthday, but it's my 10 year anniversary. 10 years ago today I became a mom.

That doesn't seem possible because just yesterday she was learning to walk and giving sloppy kisses.

I always forget how quickly time passes until I realize how much time has passed. And then I remember to cherish the little moments because they're not going to last forever.

Because this:




Turns into this:




long before you realize it.

let's not advertise

You know a person's pretty young when they have their high school graduation tassel hanging from their rear view mirror. I took mine off around the time I turned 20 (I had bigger things to worry about and well, no one really cared when I graduated but me).
It's almost as bad as someone telling you they remember when that song came out when they were in 2nd grade. Thus pointing out that you were a senior in high school.

Thanks for reminding us how young you are and how much older we are. Because we almost forgot the age difference.

But next time let's keep the reminder to yourselves. If only for my sanity.

bittersweet symphony

Every time I hear this song, I always picture myself driving in a convertible, getting away from life. And then I remember I'm not Annette in Cruel Intentions and that my boyfriend, Sebastian, didn't die and his stepsister/sometimes wannabe lover, Kathryn, wasn't the cause of everything that sucked in high school because her boyfriend dumped. And my life wasn't a 90's remake of Les Liaisons Dangereuses, a.k.a, Dangerous Liaisons. Because that was a really good novel written in the 18th century and showed the depravity of some people.

And if this song would stop playing on the radio so often, I would probably stop thinking I'm a 90's Reese Witherspoon.

normalcy of tattoos

My daughter's best friend pointed out my new tattoo the other day, asking why I wrote on myself. I told her its a tattoo in memory of my mom. B shrugged it off and started talking about a movie they were going to watch, which kind of got me thinking.

Tattoos are pretty much the norm in her life when it comes to me and my side of the family. It's not unusual for her to spend the weekend with her dad and she'll see me with new ink afterwards. My mom kind of went crazy with the tattoos after her first bout with cancer. I'm talking full sleeves.

If her friends notice and say something, she'll even proudly point out how many are dedicated to her (which is 4 at the moment) It doesn't even phase her. Most of her friends parents don't have as many or any at all, so those kids are intrigued. For B, it's a part of everyday life and something that's as normal to her as going to the pool in summer. But she insists that she's only going to get one when she grows up. I grin and nod my head because who knows if that's even going to happen.

It's kind of amazing how adaptable kids really are.

you were meant for me . . .

No, not really. I'm talking about the Jewel song that came out '95. I loved this song. I would listen to it everytime it came on the radio without fail. I bought the CD because it was awesome so how could I not?

Okay, so I'm driving home the other day and "You Were Meant For Me" came on the radio. Feeling a bit nastolgic, I sang along. There's one line I never questioned as a teen. Everything rhymed so I didn't care.

"I never put wet towels on the floor anymore "

What grown person leaves their wet towls on the floor? Seriously, do adults do this? Do they just leave the wet thing lying on the floor so it can not dry and get stinky, and then use it again? My kid does and then gets reminded daily to go and hang it up.

Can I just point out how gross that is? And then I started thinking that maybe the guy left because he was really disgusting this practice was and he was sick of reminding her to pick up her stuff. And maybe he was worn out that she always forget her keys in the lock and refused to turn off lights when she wasn't even in the room. Maybe he really didn't want to pay that high ass electrical bill.

Yeah, I know. I have way too much time on my hands driving up to San Francisco.

songs on the radio

There's a lot of songs out there that talk about the love a father has for his daughter. I'm cool with that, because the ones that stick around and do a decent job deserve some credit.

What I don't hear are a lot of songs about a mother's love for her daughter. It's like we could never love our daughter's as much as their father could. At least not enough to write a song about it. I have just a tiny problem with that. It could possibly be because my own sperm donor was non-existent in my life, so I would never write a song about how much he cared. Because he didn't. He liked making babies, he just didn't like raising them or being in any part of their lives. My mom was the one who stuck around and sacrificed while sperm donor continued making more babies he didn't give a sh*t about. My mom loved me, my father didn't.

So why can't people write the same number of songs about a mom as they seem to write about a dad?

sleepiness

Every night before I go to bed, I always check in her in room. It's an old habit that will never die hard and it's a habit I don't think I'll ever break. I do it to make sure she's okay, comfortable, and covered.

Most nights she's tossed the sheets as far away from her feet as possible, because she hates her feet being hot. Her stuffed animals she insisted she can't sleep without have been kicked off the island.

And I'm in awe. I get that overwhelming feeling of amazement because once upon time she spent every moment in my belly. I'm amazed that half of everything she is came from me. And right next to that feeling of amazement is that thing called unconditional love. Because I love that kid with everything that's in me.




When she's sleeping, she look like a cutie pie. And it's the only time she won't talk back :D.

gratefulness

I've started a new tactic this year: every morning I wake up and remind myself of all the things I'm grateful for.It's not a very long list, but they're very important to me.

I'm grateful for B. She makes up for any bad in my life and she's probably my reward for not being a completely evil person. She's the best part of me and sometimes I can't believe she was in my belly once upon a time. Its amazing how I can have the worst day in the world, she'll say something like "I think I'll marry this boy at school because we both like books." and I have to laugh because it's so cute and I realize how effing lucky I am to be her mom.

I'm grateful for the mom I had. She was the best. She's the reason I'm strong enough to get up every morning. She's the reason I can still laugh and appreciate the little things in life. Every thing good in me, comes from her.

I'm grateful for my friends. I don't know what I would have done without them these past few months and there's no way they can ever know how much I appreciate them. There's no way I could ever pay them back except when they need me I hope I can be there for them as much as they were around for me.

I'm grateful for life. It's too short to ever take it for granted.

motivation

What motivates me? It's good question. It's different for everyone. I've met a lot of people in the past few months where success is what does it for them. A lot more just want to be better than their classmates. and anyone they come in contact with.
Me, I'm not like that. I never have been and I'm sure as hell not going to start now.

I'm not saying I don't want to be successful. I do and u want to be successful in something I love doing. It's just not what motivates me to keep on going.

My motivation is my happy place.



This person's my happy place and she's my motivation to keep going. Here's my proof, the Christmas card she handmade that caused tears to spill:



The kid believes in me, even when I don't always believe in myself.

That's what keeps me going.

what a girl wants

I'm a huge fan of Colin Firth and not just because he's so good looking (Yes, I realize every movie I like has a guy I think is hot. I know I have a problem and I'm okay with it). I'm also a huge fan of movies set overseas. Because overseas is awesomeness.

This romantic comedy tugged at my heart strings for a number of reasons. Besides the romantic comedy aspect, it's about a girl who's wished to meet her father her entire life and sets out to make that happen. She does find him, but everything isn't what she thought it would be (how many things in life really turn out the way we thought?).

I really love this movie, but I can be an envious creature when watching things that have nothing to do with my life. With an M.I.A father my entire life, I was jealous that she had one that cared that much. At the same time, I was happy she found a dad who cares. I have no issues mentioning that I get teary-eyed every time I watch the end.

is too much, too much?

I realized today that I 5 blogs, not including twitter. There's one I update the most (which isn't as often as I like). One is a book review blog (I need to read more and remember to write about it afterwards). My livejournal is dedicated to fanfiction (yup, i am that girl) and only one person's allowed to read it that I personally know. Tumblr's strictly for my pictures (because posting them in Facebook just isn't enough). Now I just started another one that's going to be dedicated to my baking and cooking (I figure, why not since that's what I'm going to school for, right?)

Its like I have an addiction to having a blog. I can't help myself, but I'm never able to dedicate as much time to them as i'd like to. If I never had to sleep again, I'd have more than enough time. Or if I'd never have to clean the house or do laundry ever again. Basically, if I was rich and didn't have all the extra responsibilities of being an adult. Being a mom is not included in the responsibility realm. I'm talking paying bills.

I'm trying to dedicate at least 30 minutes to all these extracurricular activities that I'd like to do. But sometimes I wonder: how much is too much?

getting the groove back

It's taken some time, but I'm finally back in the frame of mind to want to write again. It kind of came as a surprise that I'm itching to pick up a pen or get on a computer to write and not sit around feeling like a lost puppy. It's the first time in a while I actually want to write, and it makes pretty happy.

I'm on spring break right now and I know the week's going to fly by, but I'm excited about getting some writing, reading and blog updating in before the hectic-ness of school begins again.

I'm really glad this quarter is over, though. The past 11 weeks have somehow managed to be the hardest ever. I'm not sure if it was the homework load or more classes than I could handle, but the quarter left me exhausted. It tested my patience and a little bit of my confidence. It also makes me a little proud I survived it without going completely insane. This mini vacation is just what I need to keep me in the right frame of mind.

Moms

I was on the train and I saw the cutest thing. A mom, in her flannel pjs, was dropping her daughter off. Much to her daughter's chagrin, the mom got out of the car, hugged her in front of everyone, then went back to the car and waited until the train doors closed and started off.

The daughter was embarrassed to say the least and I can relate to having a mom be so obvious that she worries about you. I can also relate to the mom who worries constantly when the kid's more than 5 feet away. I can also understand not caring how much you embarrass your kid in public. I do it all the time, sans the flannel pjs (I don't do flannel pjs). Embarrassment is how we show we care :).

All I can say is, "Sorry, kid, it comes with the territory." Even when youre too old and gray to be considered anyone's baby, we'll still worry our even grayer head off. It never goes away. And if I'd been able to, I would have implanted a tracking device in my kid the minute she joined the world. But apparently that's illegal.

Life is a Strange Ride

To say life hasn't turned out the way I expected is an understatement. Life is so far off from where I thought it would be, it's almost on a different planet. And I've always believed things in life happen for a reason, even if it's something completely heartbreaking and doesn't seem fair.

As I sit here writing this, I'm kind of in shock. When I was little, I had a dream of being a pastry chef. That dream hid itself, being replaced by becoming a famous actress. I was going to marry some hot actor I had a crush on (*ahem* Christian Bale) and live in a huge Beverly Hills mansion with our 3 adorable kids.

Well, I joined the military at 17 and traveled the world for 12 years. I had a kid and never got married (because Christian Bale was already taken and my heart was broken, of course). I decided I never wanted to live in California.

Irony of all ironies, here I am at 30, living in California. Not quite the place I expected, but it's beautiful, nonetheless. My daughter gets the best of both worlds: me and her dad all the time. Still not married, but if my mom has her say, that's not going to last much longer. And I'm going to culinary school to become a pastry chef.