2 years

So two years. It's already been two years. Have I accepted that my mom's gone? Yes. Have I gotten used to it? Nope.

Truthfully, I know I never will because losing your mother, no matter what, is hard at any age. I'm not the first girl to lose their mother and I know I'm not the last, but its still my mom. 

It has gotten a little easier and I'm not as sad as I was at the beginning, but I still have days when all I want to do is hear her voice again, telling me everything's okay. 

And, well, I know that's not possible, but I do feel like she's watching over me and B to make sure we're okay. And not in that creepy "Ghost Adventures" kind of way because she knows that sh*t freaks me out :). 

Even though she's not here in physical form, I'll continue to try and live my life to the fullest and make her proud. 

That being said, I miss you every day, mommy. 

miss b and the boy(s)

*sniff* I start this post feeling a little sad. Not because I'm actually sad, but there's just one more realization that the kiddo's growing up faster than I'd like.

It's started. The whole process of her about to hit puberty has begun. The kiddo has liked boys in her class before. She even had her first (very chaste) kiss when she was five. Now she's officially crushing on a boy and its not just because she thinks he's cute. It's the kind of crush when you see how your name sounds with their last name. I would say I'm surprised, but 10 is around the time I hit my boy crazy stage.

So I'll call him The Boy. And the boy is a blond 11-year-old who swears (the word of choice is crap), wears jerseys and is in need of a haircut. I see him as a teenage bad boy. Her crush makes total sense because she is her mother's daughter. 

But. Of course there's a but. There's another boy. Let's call him The Other Boy. He's the nice friendly one with good manners that the kiddo is friends with (she and The Boy have a like/dislike kind of friendship). She insists she just likes him as a friend, but she forgets I've known her for over 11 years and there's not much she can hide from me (right now, at least). And I'm a girl and once upon a time I was a little girl with a crush on boys in my grade. I know the signs. 

Now, as her mom and as a former kid, I feel the need to point out 

I'd prefer for her to crush on The Other Boy because:

a) he doesn't seem threatened by her smarts like The Boy does

b) he seems to have as much motivation and determination to succeed in everything he does

c) he reads as much as she does - they're even in the same advanced reading group

d) he has more in common with the the kiddo than The Boy

e) he's an all around nice kid

When I tell her this, I get dirty looks and the rolling of eyes because, well, what do I know about the opposite sex? According to her I never dated until I met her dad and apparently have not dated since (in her mind that's my life story).

Of course, I'm hinting at The Other Boy for when she's allowed to date at 25. 

much needed break

That's what I'm taking from Facebook, twitter, and Tumblr. A break from these social medias is what I really need right now.

There's two reasons:

1) I'm all for freedom of speech, but some people need to learn when silence is golden. I don't always agree with everyone's opinion  but I respect their right to say it, but when there's rudeness involved when I have a opinion, I really have to draw the line and step back.  My mom always told me I was extremely opinionated and vocal. And I don't want to say something that I'll regret, so taking a break from all the ignorance I've been seeing is the best idea for everyone. I like my friends and I'd like to keep them, so this temporary parting of ways is great for everyone: I don't shoot my mouth off and they don't get offended. See? Happy resolution for everybody.

2) the second and most important reason for this break? I don't seem to get much done because those social media's are far too distracting for me and that is just not working anymore. I want and need to get things done that actually matter and Facebook shouldn't be on my priority list. So I'm taking it off my list. School, photography, writing and reading are on the top of that list (not including the kiddo, of course). I need to clear my head and worry about me for a little bit.

After my break, I might check them out every couple of days, but that's it. I'm still going to blog, but that's the extent of my upcoming social media. So my blogs will still pop up on Facebook, just not me :)

If you need to get a hold of me, you can text me.

some days I'm okay

Some days I really am okay. Everything's good, I'm happy and the world seems on an even keel. Everything in life is going really well.

And then there are the bad moments. Those are the times that suck. Those are the ones I dread. They start off woth perfectly normal, "okay" days. Then something happens, a song on a radio, a book I see, or a a TV show scene and its July of 2011 all over again. I feel helpless, alone and inconsolable. All I want to do is find a dark room to curl up in and cry. It always happens at the most inconvenient moments, too.

I kind of hate those moments. Not because they sometimes happen at the most inopportune moments that make me feel like Brendan Fraser's sensitive guy in Bedazzled.

It's because I feel okay most of the time and suddenly I'm not. Suddenly I'm a little girl who just wants her mommy to make everything okay again. All I want is to pick up the phone and tell her how crappy I'm feeling at that moment because she was the person I'd call when I had a bad or good moment. But I can't anymore and that makes it worse.

I'll get sad and wonder why some girls get to keep their moms for longer than 30 thirty, whether they like them or not. I'll wonder where the fairness is in that - Why did she have to get sick? Why couldn't she be cured? Why is she the one missing out on her grand kid's biggest moments, biggest achievements? Why did she have to leave me?

Then there's the guilt. The guilt is sometimes worse than the sadness. The guilt that I couldn't do more for her, that I couldn't save her, that I'm still here and she's not. And with the guilt and sadness come a few tears that I feel makes me look like an unhinged mess.

But then there's a little voice in the back of my head and it's usually my mom's (not in some creepy Norman Bates kind of way, it's more a friendly reminder of what my mom always said during her last year) She didn't want me to stop living just because she wasn't around. She wouldn't want me wallowing in self pity. A couple of minutes here and there, but not lying and bed refusing to get out. That's what she always said. That and if I became like one of those hoarders on TV that refused to get rid of any of her stuff, she'd haunt me until I got my act together.

That's usually around the time I realize I was kind lucky to have had her in my life for as long as I did, that I had her for a mom. Some people lose their mom's before they're old enough to walk. B and I were both lucky enough to have had her to spend time with. It's kind of my "ah" moment.

So, yeah.

Some days I'm okay.

wow . . .

There are times when I'm really glad certain kids aren't mine. The 9-year-old girl who threw of full on tantrum with foot stomping and loud shrieking in the library because she wasn't allowed to request some book she wanted is one of the those kids. Apparently whenever this kid is told "no" the normal reaction is to throw a hissy-fit until mom and dad give in (which really wonders in their household because that kid totally got what she wanted and didn't even say thank you).

She should be very lucky I'm not her mother. There's no way my kid would have acted like that. This in not me tooting my perfection in motherhood, because B and I have our own issues. My kid wouldn't have acted like that because we would have left the library before she could even raise her voice to screeching level.

One of the few things I've learned as a mom? Giving the kids exactly what they want whenever they want will  lead to spoiled and ungrateful kids that will try to walk all over you. Besides, how are they ever going to learn the value of anything if they always get what they want.

stop being so judgy

Seriously, some people need to just stop. Just because my family isn't their version of conventional, there's no need for the stink eye, nose upturned kind of attitude.

I get it. The fact that I had my kid young and *gasp* out of wedlock, might sound disturbing. And, wait for it, I choose  to be a single unwed mother. Because, as we all know, single mothers are the reason there's sooooo many problems with the world. Yeah, that's it. Because my daughter could never lead a normal productive life both parents weren't in the picture.

Oh. Wait. We both are. We're just not together. Because we realized long before she was born that us together would make us both unhappy people. Which we knew would eventually lead to an unhappy, maladjusted kid. I know, what were we thinking, right? Making a ridiculously adult decision like that.

Why am I bitching about this? The other day, I was basically told in not so many (nice) words that I was in the wrong as a parent because a) I had my kid too young, b) I was going to hell because I had sex before marriage and c) I was screwing up my kid's life because we never got married and she has 2 different households. "It just isn't a healthy environment for her".

I took a calming breath (because I was pretty close to punching her out) before pointing out that a) yes, I was young, but 20 isn't that young. I also had a very well-paid full-time job and insurance that I didn't have to worry about, b) yes, I did, but it's the 21st century and not many people are celibate these days. Sex before marriage isn't some new trend I started all on my own. Yes, I happened to get pregnant, but sometimes shit happens. Having  my kid, whatever the situation isn't something I'll ever regret and there's no way she could ever make me feel ashamed. C) Yup, B has two different households. And she likes it that way. She has a bunch of people who love her more than anything and that will drop everything to be by her side. Having people care - yeah, that's real unhealthy for any kid. She's one of the most well-adjusted kids I've ever met and I'm comparing her to kids that have both parents married and living together (and I am not saying kids that come from that kind of household are messed up, because I'm not, so no one get their feathers all ruffled. I just mean B's just as well-adjusted) . One thing I can say two households has really helped her with is that she's rolls with the punches and change so easily. Sudden change in an environment isn't something she even blinks it. My kid is loved and that's a hell of a lot more important than whether or not her mother and father have a little piece of paper. Our family situation isn't perfect and doesn't work for everyone. We all work our butts off to make it work for everyone in our family and for B. And it works for us.

I very kindly thanked her for very unrealistic and very misguided opinion and walked away.

So what's the point of this long and vent-filled post? It's dedicated to the woman (who's name I don't remember, but I'm pretty sure I never want to know) who's apparently stuck in the 19th century with her skewed views, who feels the need to point out if you're not living your life like hers, you're in the wrong. Your opinion doesn't mean jack squat to me. Lady, I'm allowed to live my life as I choose with no regrets and no need to justify it to you. Just like you're entitled to be an ignorant dumb-ass.

But I'm not judging you.

Constantine

Keanu Reeves. 'Nuff said.

Well, not all Keanu Reeves. I love this movie for a number of reasons. One is Keanu Reeves. He pulls off the brooding, I'm-going-to-hell-and-I-don't-give-a-sh*t title character well. Not because I think he's that type of guy, but because he seriously pulls it off well. Or maybe it's the lazy suit and tie deal that makes him look like he rolled out of bed and threw it on as an after thought.

Or possibly the whole heaven-and-hell-fighting-over-the-end-of-the-world. Because like Supernatural, that's the theme of the movie. Which always fascinates me to no end. Because people are interesting and slightly desperate creatures when faced with their own demise. Yeah, I know, I've got issues.

But seriously, I read the comics and I'm a bit of a fan, so it makes sense that'd I see the movie. And it didn't suck or completely ruin my faith in turning comics into movies like some. *ahem*, yup, looking at you FOX and all you're horribly crappy movies. Not naming any names or anything. X-Men: United, Wolverine, X-Men: First Class. I'm still trying to purge their version of Gambit. And Mystique. And the entire First Class that they totally messed up beyond repair. And everything they completely ruined about the X-Men that I loved. That destroyed my faith in comic movies until I saw Iron Man.

But I digress. Because Constantine was awesome in it's non-X-Men related-ness. And that is why it's on my favorite movie list.

my spring break

Spring break started. My whole week off of school to spend recovering from a very long quarter began today. I fully intend to keep busy.

Besides catching up on my shows (Boardwalk Empire, The Walking Dead, Supernatural, Deadwood, Big Love, Suits, Ghost Adventures, Sons of Anarchy, Mad Men, etc), working on the outline for my next book, catching up on blog posts and other internet related things, I also need to make a dent in my to be read pile. Because it's huge. I'm talking shelves upon shelves because I had a habit of buying books, but never enough time to read them. So I'm starting with these:

This doesn't include the eBooks on the iPad I'm going to tackle. I think this will be an interesting spring break. 

Peace and hugs.

boardwalk empire

I seem to have a thing for HBO shows. Well, maybe I shouldn't say "thing" because it's not like I'm having a relationship with HBO shows.

I just happen to find almost every HBO show fascinating and can't get enough of them.

I've been putting off watching Boardwalk Empire because the shows I normally watch on HBO are either fantasy types (Game of Thrones) or good ole fashioned vampires that don't sparkle in the sunlight (True Blood). I've put it off because it's based (very, very loosely) on an actual person. And features other persons that were very real once upon a time.

When I was younger in my long ago teen age days, I was really into history. I still am, but like most things I enjoy, I don't have (spend) enough time with it. From the age of thirteen til about fifteen, I was really into post-WWI America, the '20's & '30's. Mostly, I wanted to learn everything I could about the organized crimes of the day. I would spend hours at the library checking out books about Lucky Luciano, Meyer Lansky, Al Capone (because I am a Chicago at heart), the list goes on and on.

My mom never thought it was weird, but she liked history as much as I did, so why would she really?

I'm usually more than a little reluctant about watching something based on real people that I know and have read about. It goes along the lines of why I have to read the book before I watch the movie. Chances are the creator's are going to go a crappy way with their artistic license. Oh, yeah, I'm looking at you, Hunger Games. And Public Enemies (I won't even go into how they royally screwed that one up).

And even though I'd heard great things about the show, I was in no hurry to watch. Even Lucky Luciano being a prominent character wasn't enough to sway me. I stayed my stubborn self and refused to give in until it was on for a few seasons. If I liked it, I like being able to watch the seasons in back to back if I want to because I have no patience and HBO waits an effing year between seasons. I forget what happens when a show has more than 3 months between seasons.

But I digress. I had a copy of the first season of the show. I recently got rid of cable because, well, it's tiresome and distracting, so I have all these shows on DVD (thank you very much huge hard drives and the library). The show kept staring at me, whispering sweet nothings to me, convincing me I wanted to watch. Evil DVD's.

Until finally I couldn't take it anymore and I watched. I watched the entire first season in a day. And I wanted to watch the second season immediately after.

I'm halfway through the second season and I already have the third season cued up to watch. Because it's just that damn good.

Seriously. The character development and plot makes you feel invested in what happens to them. Like if a certain someone named, um, J betrays their surrogate dad named, let's see, N, you care. Well, I do, anyway. And they're not even my favorite characters. I normally favor the secondary characters (i.e, Eric & Terry on True Blood and The Hound & Osha on Game of Thrones), and this show isn't any different: I'm totally invested in Richard Harrow & Angela Darmondy. They're both damaged goods, but you keep hoping they'll find the other side of the rainbow one day.

And the best part? They didn't completely screw up timelines and history. Just a few inconsistencies  but nothing I'd freak out about and can't handle. Even the butt-kicking mobsters are on par.

Now that I've raved about it, my break is over and I'm going to continue watching while I eat some pizza.

Laters!

so very in love

with this little beauty. She's gorgeous, isn't she?

Whenever I go into any store that has electronics, I won't let myself stop and say hello to the cameras because, well, I'll drool and wish I had a crap load of extra money underneath my mattress to buy one. Or at least be able to sell a kidney on the black market for the cash.

I made the mistake of picking her up and I didn't want to put her down. We connected on a spiritual level. Well, not really, but I didn't want to part.

And as much as I love the camera I already have (and I'm hoping that as I write this, she won't decide to suddenly crap out on me, because I do appreciate her and all technological goodness), I kind of want a new one. By "kind of", of course I mean desperately and yesterday instead of someday soon.

sherlock vs. elementary

Both of these shows are a modern day take of  the adventures Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. One is set in London and the other is in New York. 

They're two very completely different shows in so many different ways. (Individuality is always a good thing)

Sherlock is basically a modern retelling of Sir Conan Arthur Doyle's original stories. John was injured in Afghanistan and he still keeps a journal, only now it's an online blog. Which everyone reads and that's why they all know who Sherlock is. The season's are only 3 episodes long, so it's more of a mini-series. But they end them on cliff hangers that tick me off (in the best kind of way, of course). I'm still waiting to see where they're going after the way season two ended. 

Now, Elementary. I'm still not really how I feel about this show. Sherlock is a recovering drug addict and Jane Watson is the companion his father hired to keep him in check and in line. I don't know if the creators made John a girl because they want some kind of romance between Sherlock and Jane because it would be too much to have to guys hook up (because wouldn't that just offend everyone? *insert rolling of eyes here*. Personally, I'd much rather see a relationship between the two on Sherlock than on Elementary). Which I'm really hoping they are not going there. Shows don't always have to have a romance between the main characters. 

I started watching Sherlock first, so I'm a little bias about loving it so much more than Elementary. Elementary is very American (not that that's a bad thing). Sherlock has more issues than the X-Men and so does Jane. Again, not a bad thing. The creators want you to be emotionally invested. I get that. But I don't feel personally invested. The show overall has some interesting cases and Sherlock is pretty obnoxious, but that's how I like him. I'm not attached to this version of Sherlock - if I miss an episode, I'm not too upset.

Sherlock is a pretty cut and dry British TV drama. I think that's why I like more than Elementary. I have plenty of show where there are 30 billion different kinds of drama (The Walking Dead, Suits, Supernatural, etc.), but there are times I want a break from all that extra drama. Sherlock is drama but without all the extra drama that American shows always have to have. I don't think shows always have to have it to be interesting to watch. That's probably why I don't watch reality shows anymore.

So, I still haven't made up my mind on whether or not I like Elementary. I guess this is more of a post on why I like Sherlock more? Well, that seems to be the story of my life. 

the kid I got stuck with . . .

amazes me at times. Like seriously leaves me speechless sometimes. And that is very hard to do.

She's ten. Ten and a half, according to her, because she's that much closer to eleven than ten these days.

She amazes me because she's on top of her homework on a daily basis. There's never any need to remind her to get it done. She also freaks out if she doesn't get it done on time, but that's never happened before. Because she's on top of it. Her school planner has every assignment written and checked off.

(she gets right into her homework as soon as she gets home from school- we never have to remind her)

A perfect example - being a 5th grader and California student, she has a state report that's due in April. It's comprised of about 10-12 different projects, including postcards, full 3-5 page paper, and the state's flag. They're not allowed to do California and B had a whole list of states she ranked in order of her favorites. Her first choice was Colorado because she's "a Coloradoan". Her exact words and cannot convince her that she was just born there so that doesn't make her a Coloradoan. Even though I have pointed out numerous times that she's hasn't set foot in the state in 9 years. But I digress.

B worried for weeks about not getting a state she wanted. Seriously. She had dreams about it. When she got her first choice she celebrated.

Her school participates in the AR (accelerated reader) program and the kids are required to read at least 15 minutes a night and log it. When they're done with a book they take an online test about the book. Each book is worth a certain number of points and her teacher said once they reach a certain number of points, they don't have to keep a log anymore. The kid reached that number back in November.

Her teacher also wants them keep track of the number of pages they read during those 15 minutes. One of B's friends who was in her teacher's class last year read 900 pages during the school year. One of her fifth grade goals was to surpass his number. I'm not at all surprised because this is how we usually find her:

Another goal of hers? Starting her own business before she goes into 6th grade.

That's not the only reason she amazes me. She's been planning her college career since she was 8. Her goal is get a full scholarship to Oxford University. She's put together a list of alternate schools just in case the money doesn't pan out, but Oxford is first choice because "it's the best college in the world". Her words. I kid you not.

She's the kid in class that gets in trouble for reading when it's math time and she's done with all her work. And when we punish her for talking back, lying, normal kid stuff, we take away her books for a couple of days. Though now she's getting a little more into the Lego video games (hell, who am I kidding? So am I) and her iPod, so it's a little more leverage.

She has more of her dad's patience than mine (which is a great thing for her) when it comes to most things. Except talking to people. Because she's such a talker (like her lovely mom) when she has conversations with people and they're saying something, if she knows where they're going with their words, she'll butt right in and finish it for them if they're taking too long. I have to remind her most people don't take too kindly to that and she needs to chill about it.

She's so different than I was at her age. I was lucky if I turned in my homework on time. And college? Not even something I thought of.

No one knows where she gets it from, but I try not to dwell on it too much because I'm not sure I could actually narrow it down.

Yup, she amazes me more and more every day by being her own special little person. And I wouldn't change her for the world.

yummy cupcakes . . . .

that are fat free and you'll never gain a pound. Sounds pretty nice. Plus they smell awesome and they look mouth-watering, right?

• You could eat them. You totally could. I wouldn't suggest it though, because they're bath bombs. Yup, they're soap and would taste awful on your tongue. They're very pretty to look at and awesome to use. They fizz in your bath and smell amazing. And they are a lot of  fun to make. We call them cutie bombs.

These mini cupcake bath bombs are part of the business venture B and I have started. We're making and selling beauties like these, and I'm in the process of working on a web page for it. We're also going to sell them at flea markets. If they do well, we're going to add more bath products.

These purdy little things are perfect gifts and make for great treat to put in goodie bags for any special occasion. *ahem* Not that I'm promoting this or anything. :)

But . . . . if people are interested in having their own to buy that we just happen to make and sell. . . . well, we won't say no.

be a trendy parent

This is what the Today show told me this morning as I was getting ready for school. Be a trendy parent. Go read "50 Shades of Grey" so you can be one of those super cool party people parents. Buy this certain make-up because it'll make you hip like those other hipster parents out there.

I must be weird, because I put my foot down at being trendy. I can't say I've always been that way, but I just don't feel like being trendy is worth it. Why can't I just be myself?

First off, I won't touch "50 Shades of Grey" with a ten foot pole. Especially after the whole Twilight debacle. Twilight was sooooo trendy and I thought it'd be a good read. A whole lotta hoopla and days of my life wasted I'll never get back. Ever. And I'd really like that wasted time back.

But I digress.

Secondly, it's fine to try and be that trendy parent, but being trendy doesn't help you relate to your kids. There's that stigma today that if you're not that awesome parent that every kid wants as a parent, you suck at life. If you treat your kid like they're your kid and not your best friend, they won't ever talk to you in the future because you weren't hip.

The thing I've come to realize as a mom of kid who'll be a teen sooner rather than later is, one day you'll stop being cool. And trying to be that person that's so hip they can totally relate is not going to help. I used to think by the time B was in high school, I'd be that mom who understood all that new lingo and listened to all the music her kid did because we're so close in age how could I not?

Then I was faced with a reality check: some of her friends don't think I'm cool anymore. Not because I can't relate to them. I understand the things they have to deal with and what's headed in their direction in the future. I get the new clothing that's out there (even if I don't agree with all of it). I can even talk to most of them about their problems with some of their classmates. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt and the hat. That's not why I'm not cool.

Nope.

It's because I'm a mom and not their age, so of course I would have no idea what's going on. It's as simple as that. I won't be cool or hip in their eyes because I'm not an teen like them. I'm (only) 20 years older and have nothing in common with them. I'll be too old to understand.

And I've made peace with that. I know no amount of reading some popular book with typos is going to suddenly make a trendy mom that's young and hip in B's eyes when she's a teen. In fact, it'll probably embarrass the crap out her.

But for the time being I'm still the cool mom who does her own thing and doesn't give a crap about what other people think. I don't need to be a trendy parent to try and relate to her. I can be my weird self and she's still proudly introducing me as her mother.

Until she hits middle school and realizes she's too cool to be seen with me, that is.