musings of a michelle

Monday, March 26, 2012

getting the groove back

It's taken some time, but I'm finally back in the frame of mind to want to write again. It kind of came as a surprise that I'm itching to pick up a pen or get on a computer to write and not sit around feeling like a lost puppy. It's the first time in a while I actually want to write, and it makes pretty happy.

I'm on spring break right now and I know the week's going to fly by, but I'm excited about getting some writing, reading and blog updating in before the hectic-ness of school begins again.

I'm really glad this quarter is over, though. The past 11 weeks have somehow managed to be the hardest ever. I'm not sure if it was the homework load or more classes than I could handle, but the quarter left me exhausted. It tested my patience and a little bit of my confidence. It also makes me a little proud I survived it without going completely insane. This mini vacation is just what I need to keep me in the right frame of mind.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Moms

I was on the train and I saw the cutest thing. A mom, in her flannel pjs, was dropping her daughter off. Much to her daughter's chagrin, the mom got out of the car, hugged her in front of everyone, then went back to the car and waited until the train doors closed and started off.

The daughter was embarrassed to say the least and I can relate to having a mom be so obvious that she worries about you. I can also relate to the mom who worries constantly when the kid's more than 5 feet away. I can also understand not caring how much you embarrass your kid in public. I do it all the time, sans the flannel pjs (I don't do flannel pjs). Embarrassment is how we show we care :).

All I can say is, "Sorry, kid, it comes with the territory." Even when youre too old and gray to be considered anyone's baby, we'll still worry our even grayer head off. It never goes away. And if I'd been able to, I would have implanted a tracking device in my kid the minute she joined the world. But apparently that's illegal.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Life is a Strange Ride

To say life hasn't turned out the way I expected is an understatement. Life is so far off from where I thought it would be, it's almost on a different planet. And I've always believed things in life happen for a reason, even if it's something completely heartbreaking and doesn't seem fair.

As I sit here writing this, I'm kind of in shock. When I was little, I had a dream of being a pastry chef. That dream hid itself, being replaced by becoming a famous actress. I was going to marry some hot actor I had a crush on (*ahem* Christian Bale) and live in a huge Beverly Hills mansion with our 3 adorable kids.

Well, I joined the military at 17 and traveled the world for 12 years. I had a kid and never got married (because Christian Bale was already taken and my heart was broken, of course). I decided I never wanted to live in California.

Irony of all ironies, here I am at 30, living in California. Not quite the place I expected, but it's beautiful, nonetheless. My daughter gets the best of both worlds: me and her dad all the time. Still not married, but if my mom has her say, that's not going to last much longer. And I'm going to culinary school to become a pastry chef.

Life has kind of ended up the way I had wanted it to when I was kid, with a few things shuffled around along the way.

It's so strange, it makes you wonder how much is coincidence and just how much is destiny.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

what's in a name

When I was in high school I sometimes I hated my name. There were at least 8 other Michelle's in my school and that was just in my graduating class. We really didn't have an identity- not the way everyone else did. We were always "(insert random name here)'s Michelle". Or they just called you by your last name.

It only got worse when I found out my mom named me after the uncreative Beatles song (just kidding, I do love the song). It's crazy the number of people that will start singing the song you're named after. I wasn't happy being part of the status quo of child naming. I wondered why she just didn't name me "Lucy" or "Rita" if she liked the band so much. Something, anything that wasn't so effing common.

As an adult, I know my mom liked the Beatles so much, she named her only kid after a song she liked. It makes me pretty proud and her a pretty cool lady.

Of course, I went out and did the same thing. Except I choose a character on a TV show. Dark Angel was a show I really liked before I got pregnant and this is where B's name comes from. The kid thinks it pretty cool that she's named after a fictional character on a TV show that was cancelled before she was born. She's counting down the days until she can watch the show and see this person she's named after herself.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Surprise! It's a New Year

2011 couldn't end quick enough for me and it was probably one of the longest. It was the year that tested my strength and sanity and I've only recently begun to feel somewhat like my old self.

It was one of those years that I found out who I can really count on and there aren't enough words & thank you's in the world to show my appreciation. Laughter is sometimes the best medicine and those people have not lacked with the humor.

It was the year I realized that some people in your life are so self-centered they can't even grasp that other people in the world exsist or have their own things going on in life. It was also the year I decided I don't want them in my life anymore.

It was the year I knew that you can't ever take life for granted and you never know how quickly life can change. You appreciate the little things in your life, like jumping in puddles with your baby.

But 2012 is already off to a promising start. I get to spend the first day of the new year with the most important person in my life. One of my best friend is getting married and another is having a baby, so I get to be an auntie again!! :)

I've decided to make 2 very small resolutions this year: to live for myself and make my mom & daughter proud of me.

I have plenty of things I want to accomplish this year and they're all goals I hope to achieve:
- B & I are signed up for the Race For the Cure this May; it's something that's pretty important to us
- blog weekly and finish my book
- read as many books as possible because my bookshelves have been screaming at me
- catch up on all my shows, starting with Sons of Anarchy. My goal last year did not happen!

I have a feeling 2012 is going to be a pretty interesting year for the most part and it's going to be a good year. Happy New Year, everybody!!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

How Life Changes . . .

I haven't written in a very long time because truthfully, I didn't have the time or the desire to. It's the beginning of August, but this has been the craziest and worst summer of my life. My daughter turned 9, I ended my time in the military, and my mother passed away.

The latter has been the hardest on me and I'm still trying to deal with it. She'd been sick for a very long time, but she didn't seem that sick. Everything just happened rather quickly. I got to say my goodbyes, but I still feel guilty and I miss her so much. I feel guilty because I feel like I should have been able to do more and that I should have known that she was worse off than she let on. My mom would tell me I have nothing to feel guilty about and that she'd always be with me.

I also feel like this is something I won't ever get over because she was my best friend. She's the first person I would tell any kind of new news to, but everytime I pick up the phone to call I'm hit with the reality of the situation: that she's not here anymore.

Even as I type this, tears are in my eyes and I know that there won't be a time that I won't cry when thinking about my mom. At least not anytime in the near future. You see, she was best mom a girl could ask for and looking back, I feel she deserved a better daughter than me. She wouldn't agree and threaten to haunt me forever for even thinking that. But, you can't always help the feelings you feel.

I can't even begin to express how much my mom meant to me. She taught me everything and made me the person I am today. I wouldn't be independent, strong or have even one ounce of bravery in me if not for her. She was the strongest woman I've ever known and there's no one on this earth that can ever replace her.

The whole situation was my reason for moving to California to be near B. And there's an Art Institute in San Francisco that I'll being going to so I can get my Associates of Science degree.

My daughter needs me just as much as I needed my mom and it wasn't a hard choice because there wasn't anything holding me back. There's one thing my mom instilled in me that I will never forget: family's the most important thing you can ever have and completely irreplaceable. It's because of her I know the value of being a great mom and life isn't always going to be perfect, but you can always make the best of it.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

california was a good idea because . .

1. The weather is awesome and it's always sunny. Seriously. I've been here almost 3 weeks and it hasn't rained once.

2. The people are a lot nicer. Or maybe I'm friendlier because it was my choice to move here.

3. There actual things to do here without looking in the depths of the earth for them. San Francisco's only a 45 minute drive (on a good day) away and Santa Cruz is like right down the street. And plenty of art fairs.

4. The sun is doing wonders for my tan. Like I don't even have to sit in the sun trying to tan; I can be in my car just driving and I get darker.

5. My allergies don't exist here. Neither do B's. It will save a lot of money down the line. Another good thing.

6. I'll be getting my degree at the Art Institute of California in San Fransico. In baking and pastry- my dream degree I get to actually accomplish.

7. The farmer's markets are out of this world. And they're practically everywhere. Fresh, organic fruit and veggies and free samples everywhere you turn. Can you say yummy?

8. There are so many little towns and the main streets are so tiny and cute. You can just stroll through them and make a day of it.

9. It's not Dayton. 'nuff said.

10. The most important reason is I get see a lot more of this than I was going to before:

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